Terrible Christmas Gifts: 2024 Edition
/Hello everyone! You should know by now that I love browsing online gift guides to find deeply non-giftable items that nobody in their right mind would ever give to anyone.
So, as we approach yet another Christmas with the speed and composure of a runaway bus, let us once again rustle through the Internet in search of terrible gift ideas.
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About The Guide
Wow! An introduction! How professional.
This year’s Terrible Christmas Gift Guide is drawn from the hallowed pages of GrabOne. I used to work there; this is not related to the Gift Guide, but I feel I should mention it for the sake of journalistic integrity, which you and I both know is an important part of this blog.
Working at GrabOne was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the accidentally not check the paperwork on a cheaply imported Chinese heater and spark a nationwide recall of times.
Just kidding! That didn’t quite happen.
But it nearly happened a bunch, and it almost always went like this:
seller: i would like to sell this heater on grabone.
me: this is a nice heater. does it meet the required safety standards?
seller: yes! it does! here are the certificates!
me: ah, sorry, those are american certificates, they are no good here
seller: they are
me: sadly no they are not
seller: THEY ARE
me: still no. here is the specific bit of legislation that says they are not
seller: I WILL TALK TO THE MANAGER
me: ho ho it is me, the manager
seller, craftily: but… you would make so much money from selling these nice heaters
me: yes but it is still illegal
seller: wait! i have found the certificates. i will send them to you now
me: these are the same certificates but you have saved them with different file names
seller: i have imported a container of these heaters
me: that is unfortunate.
FEEL FREE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO STEP AWAY FROM THIS BLOG AND PANIC ABOUT YOUR HEATER
Sorry, that was a very early digression. Back to the Terrible Christmas Gifts, not that we’d actually managed to get to them in the first place.
I picked on GrabOne this year because a) I picked on OnceIt last year and it didn’t seem fair to go after them two years in a row, and b) OnceIt haven’t got their Christmas Gift Guide up yet.
ALSO I DID NOT WANT TO RE-ENCOUNTER TOOTHY PIG.
As we make our way through the list, it’s important to remember that not all of these are terrible products - although many certainly are - but they are all terrible gifts.
Category One: Christmas? Yes! Gift? Well, not really
The first thing you notice about this Christmas Gift Guide* is that GrabOne cheerfully and frequently conflates “Christmas Gift” with “Christmas Thing.” I would be somewhat prepared to accept this if they hadn’t specifically referred to this deeply cursed section of their website as a Christmas Gift Guide, not a Christmas Thing Guide.
Please enjoy some Christmas Things.
*originally wrote “Christmas Git Guide”. Who’s your family’s Christmas Git? Every family has one! If you can’t think of one, it’s you.
Optic Fibre Christmas Tree
This is the very first thing in GrabOne’s Christmas gift guide, which is impressively bold.
Not only is this an odd thing to gift, it seems somewhat backhanded: “Merry Christmas, Sarah. Step up the decor next year.”
OPTIC FIBRE CHRISTMAS TREE, DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH
GIFT IT TO YOUR ENEMY, DOO DAH DOO DAH DAY
There is also a version of this that plays 25 songs. Christmas songs? Regular songs? 25 different versions of Cotton Eye Joe? The listing doesn’t say and so we will never know. It’s probably the Cotton Eye Joe one though.
This singing tree also has a built-in snow sprayer* that promises to “create a dynamic and vivid effect to enrich your holiday experience.”
I don’t know exactly how much a fake Christmas tree haphazardly blasting fake snow out of its Optic Fibre Self while warbling a blues version of Cotton Eye Joe would enrich my holiday experience, but, for $189, doesn’t it seem worth finding out?
*and you can “adjust the spraying snow amount by switching the wind force adjuster.” If you aren’t adjusting the spraying snow amount, is it even Christmas? The Three Wise Men didn’t follow that star just so you can not switch your wind force adjuster.
Christmas Toilet Paper
Every year this shows up, and every year I am baffled by its continued existence. At least the Optic Fibre Christmas Tree has a place in the world, and a purpose, and does something that nothing else can do.
This is just toilet paper with a picture of Santa on it.
five golden riiiiiings
Leaving aside the everyday questions that come with a pack of Christmas Toilet Paper - is it really a gift? will the dye come off and leave a festive print on my nethers? do I really want a cheery cartoon Santa observing my ablutions at horrendously close range? does unceremoniously crumpling Santa’s face and applying it to my buttocks automatically put me on the naughty list? - at $16 for two rolls, this is expensive.
Men’s Christmas Button Down Shirt
Gosh! I didn’t know the 90s were this back.
BIG FESTIVE YIKES
The listing says these shirts are “easy to pair with your ripped jeans, casual shorts, and beach pants for home, going out, work, travel, office, holiday, party, beach and dating.”
And I suppose they are. I look forward to pairing one of these with my beach pants for party.
Perhaps I will even pair it with my ripped jeans. For office.
Women’s Christmas T Shirt
ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER
Look, she has paired it with her ripped jeans! For office!
Mistletoe String Light
PERHAPS NOT THE TWo LETTERS I WOULD’VE CHOSEN TO REPRESENT HOLIDAY JOY
The description says, “Due to the lighting effects and shooting angles, the colour of the item and that shown in the picture might have a nuance.”
What lighting effects? What shooting angles?
What… nuance?
Mini Mix Bowl Set
“Mix ingredients and make delicious food this festive season with this Mixing Bowl Set.”
NO, I DON’T THINK I WILL.
Forest Old Man Bottle Bag
Leaving aside the actual product - because it should be left aside, forever - I like the implication that the makers of this are trying to dodge being sued for copyright by Santa’s estate.
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU, TOM BOMBADIL?
Christmas Pet Antlers Hat
“This pet Christmas hat with bright and festive colours makes your pets eye-catching and charming at parties.”
Where is the hat that will make me eye-catching and charming at parties?
It know it’s petty to pick on the grammar, especially when there are so many other things to be picked on, but “pet Christmas hat” makes it sound like some sort of festive Tamagotchi.
JIM! JIM, DID YOU REMEMBER TO FEED THE CHRISTMAS HAT?
NOT AFTER MIDNIGHT!
Christmas Snowball Fun Set
This is, without a doubt, the saddest item on this list.
they’ve seen some things
Did you know that if you go to the supermarket and buy a Sharpie and a packet of buns you can make your OWN Christmas Snowball Fun Set for less than $10, and your dog will have something interesting to eat for dinner?
Potentially as a reward for being so charming at parties!
Bread and Butter Santa Footed Cake Plate
UM
Hahahaha oh dear.
Category Two: Everything Else
We’re out of the Christmas Thing woods, but alas, now we find ourselves mired in the Swamp of Items Genuinely Intended as Gifts (Even Though they Shouldn’t Be).
Yes, it is a long name for a swamp.
Hard Shell Luggage Suitcase Set
Merry Christmas! Get the fuck out of here.
FUNNY HOW HARD SHELL IS ALWAYS LUGGAGE BUT SOFT SHELL IS ALWAYS CRAB
Deep Tissue Muscle Massage Gun
331 bought.
i went back and checked and now it is 356 bought. what in the festive fuck
This has sold about 250 more items than anything else in the Christmas Gift Sale. It’s one of three increasingly industrial-looking massage guns included in the sale, and I am certain every single one of them has been purchased for completely innocent reasons.
Portable Leafless Neck Fan
Thank God it’s leafless! If somebody bought me a leaved one of these I would really be offended.
why don’t you make like a fan and oh. never mind
Custom Men’s Funny Briefs
This seems like a surefire winner, because we all know a man, and many men like funny, and many men who like funny also wear briefs. If you know a man who likes funny and briefs, it might seem the Custom Men’s Funny Briefs would be the perfect gift!
However. I encourage you to take a look at these briefs and reconsider your decision.
WAS THAT THE SOUND OF A MILLION VAGINAS SLAMMING SHUT?
Is this only available in dog? Also why is the nose… there?
I would buy these for my longsuffering husband but he’s already longsuffering enough.
Custom Christmas Underwear (2)
Aha! You don’t have to have a dog on your Custom Christmas Underwear!
YOU CAN HAVE A LADY!
Make Your Own Hot Sauce Kit
While not an inherently horrible gift, this seems like a quick way to use $16 worth of Christmas Toilet Paper.
YOU CAN SERVE IT ON THAT LOVELY DECORATIVE SANTA PLATE.
Hand Controlled Boomerang Toy
This is included for the hilarious use of ‘hand controlled’.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS, MARTHA. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL IT.
WITH YOUR HAND, JIM!
I JUST… DO I… DO I THROW IT?
YES JIM IT’S HAND CONTROLLED!
GET WITH THE TIMES JIM. HAND CONTROLLED TOYS ARE ALL THE RAGE THESE DAYS.
WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TOILET PAPER
i’ll boo your meringue
2kg Mr Henry Cherries & 6pk Cherry Cola
I’m not mad at this, it’s just an odd thing to give someone. How much does a person have to like cherries in order for this to seem like a sensible gift? The best gift you could think of? The gift of frantically eating 2kg of cherries before they get mushy?
unless, of course, you’re giving them something else much bigger and this is just the you-know-what on top.
PristineSkin At Home Laser Hair Removal
HEY BISH, YOU GOT HAIRY BITS, MISS
and a happy new year
This is, frankly, an irresponsible thing to include in a Gift Guide.
Unless someone has specifically asked you to give them this, do not give them this.
Sparklewhite Teeth Whitening Kit
Also rude.
THE THREE PEOPLE WHO RECEIVE THIS ARE GOING TO BE DEVASTATED.
Golf Mat with Sticky Balls
Should’ve used the PristineSkin At Home Laser Hair Removal!
wouldn’t the sticky balls defeat the purpose?
Corten Privacy Screen!
Ah yes, such privacy!
HEY BISH, YOU GOT HAIRY BITS MISS!
Kiwi Slam Kit
I would like to reassure international readers that this is not a standard national pastime.
normally they would be playing cricket and at least three of them would be drinking a beer.
I don’t know what Kiwi Slam is, but the copy for it is completely deranged.
“Teams will unite, dives will be made, and Kiwi Slam war will be declared
All on the beach or in your very own backyard
This beach game is not for the faint of heart and is certain to keep you coming back for more
Get addicted to the slam and transform summer beach games for the better”
I DON’T WANT TO GET ADDICTED TO THE SLAM. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I’ve read the whole thing three times and it appears to be some sort of beach volleyball trampoline cornhole hybrid.
I feel confused and somewhat unsure of my place in the world.
Christmas Fishing Rod and Reel Combo
Thank goodness they labelled the bag. I wouldn’t want to get it confused with my many other large black equipment bags.
jim is about to launch his boat when his phone rings. it is his wife, martha.
“Jim,” says martha in ice-cold tones, “what is written on your bag?”
as jim looks down at the hefty black tote that contains his christmas rod and reel combo, expecting to see the familiar pescaterianesQue letters, a terrible realization sweeps over him.
croqueting, says the bag.
jim knows, in that instant, that he has ruined martha’s hopes of a win at the big tournament.
he gently lowers the bag onto the sand, places the still-screeching phone beside it, and slowly walks into the water.
Jasons Amazing World of Honey Gift Box Set
“Jason has selected Nelson Honey for this years Christmas Gift Pack!”
GREAT CHOICE, JASON!
I have a lot of questions. Who is Jason? What has he selected in previous years? Where did the apostrophe go?
Alas, all the copy has to tell me is “Characteristics: a strong distinctive Manuka honey.”
Good, I suppose. Jason would be pleased.
Also: “Summer in New Zealand is a busy time for the bees to collect honey. They have fun though.”
Do they?
“I’M DOING MY BEST, MARTHA.”
Stainless Steel Breath Necklace
It’s what I’ve always wanted! What is it?
NO, GENUINELY, WHAT IS THIS THING
Here is the entirety of the copy:
“Material: Stainless Steel
Chain Length: 70cm
Pendant Length: 5cm”
I have searched it for clues, and yet I can find none.
Is it a vape that doesn’t? A really shit whistle? A shameless rip-off of the Hā Anxiety and Stress Relief Necklace, which is also best described as a really shit whistle and a vape that doesn’t?
Oh. Forgive my cynicism. I have read the website and now I know that the Hā neckace is an anxiety tool that has the same effect as breathing through a straw (I’m not being facetious, their FAQ says that) but, unlike a straw, is on a string and costs $147.
“Without a tool, it can be difficult for people to slow down their breath, especially in times of stress.”
what if the time of stress is caused by spending $147 for a fancy straw on a string though?
There’s an instructional video about how to breathe into it.
I wish I had 20% of the self-confidence of the person who floated this business idea.
Custom Hawaiian Apparel
Included purely for the amazing Photoshop skills. If I buy a Custom Hawaiian Apparel will my head also disappear?
Dear Lord, i hope so, for I cannot endure many more of these festive items.
Summer Cooling Blanket
I was INTRIGUED by how this works but it turns out it’s just a 100% polyester blanket, “modern minimalist solid colour style.”
AH YES JUST LIKE 90% OF MY CLOTHES. I AM SUCH A MODERN MINIMALIST AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT
Look, if you’re thinking about buying this for someone, just take the insides out of an old sleeping bag and give them that instead.
Not the insides! The outsides. The insides are for heating, what is wrong with you.
Sourdough Starter Jar
Far be it from me to judge the sourdough growers (?) bakers (?) or fermenters (?) among us. If watching your yeasty concoction fester isn’t a valid hobby then I don’t know what is.
MARTHA SIGHED WITH SATISFACTION AS SHE PICKED UP THE LARGE BLACK DUFFEL BAG MARKED “DOUGHING.”
This seems really expensive for a jar though.
You could buy six whole rolls of Christmas Toilet Paper for that.
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And that brings us to the end of our 2024 Christmas Gift Guide! I hope that you, like me, have been thoroughly put off purchasing anything for your loved ones. I also hope that you feel the same deep hatred for Martha that I do.
Jim deserved better.
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If you want an actual gift idea, for the price of four rolls of Christmas Toilet Paper you can buy a Christmas card from Kiwi Christmas Books, and they will donate a brand-new book to a child in your neighbourhood. For lots of their recipients, this is the first book they ever own (and sometimes the first Christmas present they ever get). Maybe you should go and buy one.
Then, in honour of your charitable actions, you can treat yourself to a “Deep Tissue Muscle Massage Gun.”
;)