Terrible Christmas Gifts
/Well, here we are in February*, so I suppose I should probably post this amazingly seasonal content! Don’t worry, it’s still good.
Well. I suppose it hasn’t gotten any worse. Just close your eyes and pretend it’s Christmas!
Oops I didn’t think that through. Open your eyes again, otherwise you won’t be able to read this heavily cursed article.
*surprise, dear reader! Took me until April to actually post it.
Side note: this post is dedicated to my friend Button, who is currently going through her final week at work and has run out of things to do. Don’t read this at work, Button. That wouldn’t be very professional.
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*twinkly noise you hear in sitcoms when things go back in time*
Once again, it is the time of year when retailers suggest nice things we might like to buy our loved ones. Here, for your viewing displeasure, are the highlights (?) of Onceit’s Christmas Gifts collection. Please do not buy them for your loved ones.
(I’m not picking on Onceit for any reason other than they were the first Christmas gift sale I bumbled across; I think I was looking to buy a candle or some shit and then I found the Scratch and Sniff Fart Book and now here we fucken’ are. You should also know I have looked at 1400 apparently giftable items just so I can put this weird-ass list together for you.)
As with all gift-related posts, the same questions come bubbling to the surface:
Why would you make this?
Why on earth would you tell people to give it to their loved ones?
Category Is: Gifts For Kids (of the Book Variety)
The Scratch and Sniff Fart Book
“This 16 page boardbook is full of cheeky animals and characters showcasing their unique-smelling bottom burps!”
Massive props to Onceit for using a euphemism I haven’t heard from my childhood, but everything else about this is questionable at best.
Are farts inherently hilarious? No! (Sorry. As an adult, I have a contractual obligation to say that.)
Regardless of the inherent humour of farts, do we need to SMELL them? Probably not.
DO WE NEED TO SCRATCH AND SNIFF THEM? Almost definitely not.
THE UNICORN ON THE FRONT SUGGESTS THAT THESE ARE NOT EVEN GOING TO BE ACCURATE ANIMAL FART SCENTS.
See also, Butt Out.
“Children will love squishing the butts of various wild animals throughout this hilarious board book.”
Will they?
WHY ARE THEY FASHION SHAMING THE GIRAFFE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Never Touch A Hedgehog
WITHOUT FIRST GETTING HIS ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT
I’m getting mixed messages. They CLEARLY want me to touch a hedgehog. What happens when I apply this knowledge in the wild??
NEVER TOUCH A HEDGEHOG!
Never Touch a Polar Bear
I feel like the hedgehog version pales in comparison to this. Realistically, you can probably poke a few hedgehogs with no major adverse effects, but POLAR BEARS? Don’t tempt children to pat polar bears!
Also, “Don’t touch hedgehogs” is a useful piece of advice, as hedgehogs are a common and spiky animal. Polar bears, however, are neither common nor spiky. Who chose them as the next animal in the series? Wouldn’t it make more sense to go with “Don’t aggressively pet a stray cat” or “Don’t fuck with wasps” or even, at a pinch, “Don’t prod a badger”? What’s next, “Never Touch A Chupacabra?”
Although to be fair that is also probably quite good advice.
HIS BOOK TITLE SAYS NO, BUT HIS EYES SAY YES. ALSO WHAT IS THAT PENGUIN DOING THERE? I AM BEGINNING TO THINK THIS BOOK IS SCIENTIFICALLY QUESTIONABLE
Also, why is this one $5 more expensive than the hedgehog one? Is it due to the seriousness of the message?
No, wait. It’s because only fancy children are allowed to learn the ways of not touching a polar bear. The children of lower socio-economic households are encouraged to fling themselves directly into the bear den.
My Awesome Dinosaur Book (With Sequins)
HER DRAG NAME IS JURASSICA SNARK
I like this book. I like the combination of two relatively normal things into a completely ridiculous concept that children will LOVE. $14.99 is a damn bargain for this quantity of dinosequins.
Also, to be fair, this could be like the feathers thing. How do we know they didn’t have sequins?
The Giant Book of Making a Handprint
“This step-by-step procedural book shows readers how to make a colorful handprint using paints.”
Do…. do we need a book for this?
Here are the steps as I imagine them:
Get piece of paper that you would like handprint on
Get paint
Put paint on hand
Put hand on paper
Finito, congratulations, let’s go to the pub.
DEAR AUTHORS OF MAKING A HANDPRINT: PLEASE DO LET ME KNOW IF I HAVE GOTTEN IT WRONG.
I feel like if you need a book to make a handprint, making a handprint might be the least of your problems.
The Science of Poo and Farts
Included solely for this lady’s massive, massive science-fart grin.
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR DEGREE, HENRY? BECOME A FART SCIENTIST? I DIDN’T THINK SO.”
I’m also slightly concerned by the visible sadness of the pooping child on the cover of this book. Come on, fart-science lady! Reassure him that… I don’t even know. I must confess, I have not read the book. I did look it up so I could learn more about it, and all I learnt is that there is a similar title called “Nobody Likes a Fart” and I feel like the sheer volume of fart-based literature I have seen today immediately and conclusively disproves that hypothesis.
Grandpa’s Noises
This is a New Zealand book and I know we are supposed to Support Local but in this particular instance I don’t think I am going to.
‘But some sounds — like the ‘Fffffffft’ that sometimes escapes Grandpa’s bottom — need no explanation!” - actual quote from this book that people were paid to make
PLEASE. PLEASE. ENOUGH FARTY STORIES. There was also a “Guide to Farts” but I’m just so tired of farts. I’m not anti-fart but I’m just farted out for today. I saw the “Illustrated Book of Amazing Facts” and misread it because at this point, honestly, it felt more likely that they would be farts.
(Mind you I also heard “drag and drop” as “dragon drop” in a software development meeting once and got much too excited so perhaps the problem is me.)
I promise that ends the butt-related section of this list.
Elephant Pants
This is particularly intriguing for its combination of three classic children’s book topics: animals, underpants, and the Bible.
WHAT, DID ‘ELEPANTS’ JUST PASS YOU BY?
“All is quiet and calm on Noah's Ark... until Major Trump's pants disappear! Where can they be? There must be an UNDERPANTS SNATCHER on board! Can Major Trump and Noah solve the missing pants mystery?” That’s an actual quote from the description.
Also, I don’t know, can they? Not gonna lie, I feel like they probably do, but I still want to buy the book just in case. If I was a religious person and/or had children this would be top of my Christmas list.
Also, is it the first in a series? Is there a LEOPARD LEOTARD? A MOLE CAMISOLE? A TAPIR BRASSIERE?
ALSO also, this raises the very interesting question, the question of “even for children, is it OK to suggest there was a pervert on board Noah’s Ark, potentially an animal pervert?” I mean I’m assuming that in the end, it all turns out to be a big ol’ misunderstanding but who knows. Perhaps it’s Satan. Perhaps that’s the twist.
Perhaps Satan stole the Elephant’s Underpants on board the Ark this Christmas.
Also on the gift list was ‘How Well Do You Know Your Bible?’
BASED ON THAT LAST BOOK, APPARENTLY NOT WELL ENOUGH.
100 Facts about Prehistoric Life
I sure hope that thing about the elephant and the ark and the underpants and Detective Noah is in there!
WHY IT ALWAYS GOTTA BE THE MAMMOTH?
Category Is: Gifts for Kids (Not Books)
Close To You Hand Puppet Dog
WHY DO BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAR
OK so I opened this link because I thought the dog was kind of goofy-looking BUT THEN:
“This divine Hand Puppet Dog sings the Carpenters hit, “Close To You” when you put your hand inside him and operate his mouth.” I have so many questions. Do I have to ‘operate his mouth’ in time to the words in order for it to work? What exactly does ‘operate his mouth’ mean? Is he OK with his ‘mouth’ being ‘operated’? Can I make him dance, or does that throw him off?
There are also two truly delightful spurious question marks in the product description, reproduced here for your viewing pleasure: “Perfect?for both boys and girls. Children will be delighted by this Cuddly Crooners singing dog. Just press his mouth together to hear him sing!?”
DO YOU HEAR THE HAND PUPPET DOG SING!? SINGING THE CARPENTERS OF ANGRY MEN!?
IT IS THE MUSIC OF A HAND PUPPET DOG WHEN YOU PRESS HIS MOUTH TOGETHER!?
Mermail Tail String Bag
This is conceptually quite weird, particularly given how much small girls (presumably the intended target market) like mermaids. “Cut off your legs and let me carry my stuff in them.” It’s vaguely Grimm Brothers Cinderella. I might actually be into it.
Whatever This Is
“This zany silly is super-bright, with neon pink toes and a squashy beak. Fluffy as can be in candy ombre, this boogie bird is a pocket party!”
What the fuck. What are we doing as a species. I’ve read the description three times and I still don’t know what this actually is.
Toothy Pig
Look, we’ve all seen a pig. We’ve all seen teeth. This is… something else. Something worse.
Do not ask for whom the Toothy Pig comes! HE COMES FOR YOU. This is an abomination and it will haunt your sty for years to come. Do not buy Toothy Pig.
Also the description says “Tug his curly tail (gently!) to make it spring right back” and I’m all for animal rights but come on he is a NON REAL PIG you can pull his tail clean off and he ain’t gonna give a shit. Unless of course my theory about possessed sty-haunting Toothy Pig is true in which cas- OH GOD. DON’T PULL HIS TAIL
Also while I was uploading this to the website the picture of Toothy Pig would not align properly then deleted itself and NONE OF THE OTHER PICTURES DID THAT so now the rest of my life will be spent looking over my shoulder for Toothy Pig.
Amuseable Avocado
HE LOOKS SO AMUSED AND I HAVEN’T EVEN DONE ANYTHING YET.
I like this because every other toy/cursed object in the Jellycat range is an animal of some sort, and then there is this large-stoned motherfucker. The description says he has a “natty two-tone jacket” and that he is “our veggie chum” and, while I am pleased someone in the Onceit description writing department’s Grandad has found a way to communicate with them from the afterlife, I don’t think I am going to be purchasing this particular item. Even though he is, as the description says, “Ripe for a giggle.”
Side note the description ALSO says “Get your five-a-day in an adorable way with Amuseable Avocado” and…. Do I eat him? Ha ha just kidding we both already know he is eaten by TOOTHY PIG. Also I misspelt that “Tooty Pig” and now we’re right back in Fart Book territory.
Category Is: Gifts For Adults, Oh No
Lavender Oil Moisturing Gel Gloves
WONDERFUL GIFT FOR THOSE WITH A GONZO KINK
I know these are probably really nice* but I can't get over the disgusting concept of slamming a moist ointment onto my hands and then just… marinating in it. These gloves have a very strong ‘The Fly’ energy and you should not buy them.
Also, I just looked at how long you’re supposed to put them on for and it’s 20-30 minutes a DAY. A DAY! Who has that kind of time? Who has that kind of slime tolerance? Who has the amazing mental fortitude to endure 20-30 slimy minutes a day, every day, in these until eventually their hands disintegrate into sweet pools of lavender and they inevitably die of shock?
Not anyone on my Christmas list, that’s for sure.
*that’s a lie, I have full confidence that they are revolting
Collapsible Bucket
WHAT’S RED, WHITE, AND COLLAPSIBLE BUCKET ALL OVER?
Did you know this is more expensive than all of those kids’ books about farts and the Ark?
Pfft. Capitalism has no idea what it’s doing.
Also kind of not a very good gift. MERRY BUCKET
Bicarbonate of Soda - The Book!
HOUSE? AND HOME? BOTH? YOU’RE SHITTING ME. WHAT A BARGAIN. I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TO BUY TWO BOOKS
Confession time, I added “The Book!” because it just felt like the original title needed a little more jazz.
It takes a very, very specific person to get excited about finding this in their Christmas stocking. And I for one am pleased that OnceIt has taken the time to think of them. Also, it is worth noting that it took four whole people to write this book. I just Googled authors Diane and Jon Sutherland, and their other titles include “Lemons,” “Household Hints,” and “Blitzkrieg Russia.” I am not making this up.
One of the other authors wrote a book about Dali and the Landscapes of Ireland*, so I suppose bicarbonate of soda enthusiasts are a more diverse group than I had previously imagined.
*I realised after typing this that I should clarify this is in fact two books.
Glass Bottle Cutter Tool Set
I’m not even mad about this, I just had no idea it was a thing. I’m still not sure why it’s a thing but I love it. Can somebody buy me one of these? I feel a deep and sudden need to cut some bottles. Why? I don’t know why! For my crafts! I will create beautiful planters! I will fashion stylish hanging lights!
I will leave bits of chopped up bottle on the bench for three weeks then throw them in the bin!
Porter Plastic Lunch Bowl
YES, I TOO LUNCH ON A FIG AND RED ONION MELANGE
You show me a non-rich person who has bought a $40 LUNCH BOWL and doesn’t regret it. Also what does a $40 lunch bowl do that a $4 lunch bowl cannot? They both hold lunch. They both are bowl. They both are going to turn orange forever the first time you leave them within 5m of a leftover bolognese.
Who even is the target market for this Christmas sale? I’m so confused. Is it rich women with fart-loving children and husbands who want to cut many bottles?
At this point I don’t see who else it could be.
Category Is: Not Really A Gift Though, Is It?
This final category is dedicated, with love, to desperate merchandisers who have found themselves with 10 pallets of a terrible thing that they cannot sell. So they decide to cram it into as many product classifications as possible. I respect that. We all could use a little more pallet space.
But… not really a gift though, is it?
Innoxa Free & Easy Sport Roll On
Yikes.
NO IDEA WHAT INNOXA’S MARKETING DEPARTMENT IS DOING, ‘FREEASY’ WAS RIGHT THERE
Magnetic Ironing Mat
“You bought a regular ironing mat? Enjoy living in 1985, Jim.”
TREAT YO’ WIFE!
Camelbak Kids’ Bite Valves and Straw Accessories
Good product, probably. (Probably. I don’t really camelbak). Horrible gift.
Although it does raise the question, are there adult bite valves and straw accessories? How do they differ? It also raises the question, what the fuck are you biting? I thought a Camelbak was like a water bottle that you strap to yourself so you don’t have to carry it, because I guess if you’re a runner then pockets and holsters are alien to you. Alien! Why put your water bottle in a handy pocket if you can carr- wait. Let’s get back on track. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BITING?
FATHER, IT TASTES LIKE PLASTIC. PLEASE, FATHER. HOW LONG UNTIL I CAN RETURN TO BITING THE REGULAR CAMEL?
Light Up Wasp Trap
I guess if there was ever a time to be festive, it’s when you have wasps.
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND A WHOLE LOT LESS WASPS!
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I hope you have enjoyed pretending it was Christmas with me, dear reader. Let us do it again sometime. Also probably not at Christmas.
HO! HO! HO!