What Are You?

Gather round children, it’s corporate story time.

At one of the places I used to work, we did a thing called Talent Dynamics.

(Side note: If you have ever wondered what a marketing person does, they come up with names like Talent Dynamics. Look, I’m going to do some for you right now: Synergy Collective. Hyperlocal Holistics. NextGen Impact Alignment. The idea is that the name might mean something, but also, it doesn’t.)

“ONLY $20 A SYLLABLE, you say? SIGN ME UP FOR THIS MARKETING SHIT”

Anyway, Talent Dynamics is a test where you answer many questions about yourself, and then it tells you what sort of a person you are. It’s like those personality tests from the early 2000s, but it is for BUSINESS.

The idea is that once your manager knows what sort of a person you are, they can assign you to projects where you may be of some use.

This leads to delightfully nonsensical conversations, like: “Oh - Ally - you are a Mechanic, and I’m afraid we already have a Mechanic on this project. We are going to put Herbert on this project instead, because he is a Lord, and this project does not yet have a Lord, but it is being lead by a Star and where there is a Star, there must also be a Lord.”

I see the effectiveness of Talent Dynamics in theory - combining complementary skill sets and personalities - but unfortunately it doesn’t really work in practice because people remain people, and so Herbert is in fact a) very busy and b) totally uninterested in this project, and so he doesn’t do anything, and also he fibbed a bit on his test to impress the HR person and he is actually a Deal Maker, and we don’t need one of those on this project at all.

Some people at my old work loved Talent Dynamics, and some people stomped around the office shouting “They can’t put me into their boxes!” and these people are what we call ‘Supporters.’

WOW. AT THE TIME, I **REALLY** MISSED HOW HOROSCOPY THIS WHOLE THING WAS.
ALSO, I HOPE IT’S NOT USED BY STRUCTURAL ENGINEERS. “THIS PROJECT NEEDS MORE WOOD AND LESS STEEL!” SHOUTED HENRY SHORTLY BEFORE THE CONVENTION CENTRE FELL DOWN

The full test is online but I think you have to pay like $99 or something and why would you want to do that when you can find out for free on Buzzfeed? Plus you’ll get better options, like “what Harry Potter am I” and “if I were a cheese, which cheese would I be.”

I think if you wish to put people into categories TD is a good system, but it is not a perfect one. You will be pleased to hear that I’ve developed an even better way to categorise your colleagues, based on the latest absolutely no research at all.

Please begin by identifying your colleagues on this helpful flow chart. You should be able to right-click on it and make it big. (If you can’t make it big, let me know because that means that I have fucked up the formatting. I can’t help it, I’m a Mechanic.)

I PAY $35 A MONTH FOR THIS FLOWCHART SOFTWARE SO I CAN USE IT ON “CLIENT PROJECTS”

And now, for the results!

The Eeyore
Once a bright-eyed young thing, the Eeyore has become deeply disillusioned with this company and everything it stands for. The Eeyore has some truly revolutionary ideas, but their curse is that on the rare occasion they suggest something, they’re never taken seriously on account of their persistent grumbling.

Can be found: discussing their ideas at length with other Eeyores; generally fomenting unrest.

“I AM ATTEMPTING TO SEE IT FROM MANAGEMENT’S PERSPECTIVE.”

Muffin Break Sue
Ridiculously chipper, delightfully pleasant, beloved by clients, incapable of spending more than 45 minutes actually doing work in the office.

Can be found: getting a coffee. Would you like to come for a coffee? I must tell you this story about my daughter-in-law!

Long Game Gavin
Long Game Gavin doesn’t want to rule the world or win awards; he is here to collect his paycheck, skate under the radar and avoid anything even vaguely resembling an office politic. Plodding along until the pension kicks in, doing the bare minimum required to get by, Long Game Gavin is perhaps the true hero of us all.

Can be found: at his desk, doing a thoroughly, acceptably, unremarkable job.

The Reverse Imposter
Genuinely terrible at their job. Firmly believes they are the best person the company ever hired. Not always a white man of a certain age, but… often.

Can be found: talking over you in a meeting.

I HAVE JUST HEARD OF THIS THING CALLED BITCOIN. WE SHOULD BE DOING A BITCOIN! DON’T WORRY I’LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU

The Square Peg
Genuinely a very nice person. Unfortunately in absolutely the wrong job.

Can be found: in a performance review meeting they find completely bewildering.

Captain Gold Star
Very good at their work. Not an unpleasant person, but they just won’t stop showing you how good their work is. You find yourself wishing their mother hadn’t instilled such a strong sense of self-worth in them as a child.

Can be found: at your desk, showing you how good their work is.

LOOK. LOOK I DID A WORK. ONCE YOU SEE IT, YOU WILL REALISE HOW GOOD OF A WORK IT WAS. IN CASE YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS, I WILL TELL YOU AT LENGTH HOW GOOD OF A GOOD WORK THIS GOOD WORK OF MINE WAS. IT WAS IN FACT SUCH A GOOD WORK. FROM ME. I DID IT, THIS GOOD WORK. IF ONLY STEVE JOBS WAS ALIVE TO SEE THIS GOOD WORK THAT I, THE GOOD WORKER, HAVE DONE. MY MOTHER ALSO LOVED THIS GOOD WORK.

The Loophole Cowboy
The Loophole Cowboy is objectively great at their job. Smart, innovative, a touch rebellious; they could run this company if they didn’t spend all their work time looking for loopholes. It doesn’t matter if the loophole benefits them, their colleagues, or their clients; the fun is in defeating the paperwork! They’re a modern-day Billy the Kid except they aren’t because they work in banking.

Can be found: enthusiastically reading the fine print in their mobile phone usage policy.

The Whirling Dervish
Either furiously productive, furiously supportive, or just furious. Where do they get their energy? Nobody knows. There’s never time to ask. The Whirling Dervish may have incongruously sedate out-of-work hobbies, like golf, gardening, or showing Chihuahuas.

Can be found: yelling for 20 minutes before taking a small walk to calm down.

I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW. I WILL TALK TO YOU AFTER MY 3PM. UNLESS I HAVE A 4PM WHICH I THINK I DO. DO I? I TNEED TO CHECK MY CALENDAR. WHY CAN’T I FIND MY CALENDAR=? I AM GOING TO CALL GOOGLE **RIGHT NOW**. NO WAIT I NEED TO GO AND PICK UP SOMETHING FROM THE PRINTER. **WHERE IS MY SWIPE CARD FOR THE PRINTER**

The Faithful Ox
Has been here since the company began, and was probable very good at their job, once. Alas, as the company has evolved, they have firmly refused to evolve with it. Impressively resistant to change, would probably be very good at driving a milk truck.

Can be found: furiously writing a long email response to a proposed new process.

The Cult Leader
Charismatic! Great at their job! A pretty nice person! Beloved by all! The Cult Leader is a lot of fun, but becomes an absolute liability when their charisma so eclipses them that they can make any old suggestion and have it become standard business practice.

Can be found: in the pub.

The Golden Shit
Terrible. Horrible. Absolute pain in the arse to work with. So good at their job, however, that nobody will ever say anything about it.

Can be found: who fucking knows, but you can bet they’ll hit their sales target.

The Puppy
Very, very enthusiastic. About everything. Every Eeyore was once a Puppy; they’re so excitable that nobody wants to upset them with the truth.

Can be found: starting a company Foosball team.

The Good Egg
Every company has one; a solid, reliable type who does good work, seems happy to be here, and justifies the weirder company policies to the rest of the team. Absolutely nobody understands how and why they exist, but they don’t care; they’re going home to their beautiful house and unexpectedly vivacious wife.

Some say they made a pact with the Devil.

Can be found: in a whole company meeting, having a genuinely nice time.

The Average Employee
Just trying to get by, the Average Employee sits firmly in the middle of the road. They don’t hate it here (if they did, they wouldn’t be bold enough to say) and they don’t love it either. They work. They go home. They are most of us reading this article.

Can be found: sneaking a glance at the clock, but subtly enough that nobody notices.