Questionable Mother's Day Gifts
/Mother’s Day is upon us!
I never know if it’s “Mother’s Day” or “Mothers’ Day” and so to avoid any grammatical errors (very important) I propose we rename it Day of the Mothers. Like Day of the Dead. THEY RISE
Anyway, with Mother’s Day comes a host of Mother’s Day Sales, and some of them contain nicely curated selections of Mum-friendly items and some of them… are these.
New Zealand’s Most Questionable Mother’s Day Gifts
So you can be sure I was free of bias (ie didn’t go and dig out the products that I personally found most hilarious, regardless of where the shop had positioned them), here were my criteria:
Product must be within the first 20 suggested products, in a clearly marked Mother’s Day / Gifts for Mum section
No changes have been made to automatic filtering (ie changing to “best selling” or “lowest price”) - these are in the order the websites thought they should be in.
Images are from the sites they were found on. I am not affiliated with any of these sites or products, although I’m sure some of them are very nice for people who aren’t your mum.
Note that there are also a lot of perfectly acceptable Mother’s Day Sales out there, but they are not on this list, because who cares about that?
FunkyGifts starts very strongly, displaying that they above all others know what a Mum wants.
The second product in their Mother’s Day Sale is the… Mad Millie Fresh Cheese Kit!
Happy Mother’s Day! MAKE ME SOME CHEESE
AS OPPOSED TO THE MAD MILLIE OLD CHEESE KIT
They also include the Sushi Salmon Lovers’ Sock Set, which wouldn’t be a ridiculous suggestion at all if it wasn’t also the 16th suggestion on a page of literally hundreds, outranking:
mugs with ‘Mum’ on them
greeting cards that say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’
a sourdough bread kit (hmm happy mother’s day MAKE ME SOME BREAD.)
What I am taking away from this is that in the mind of Funky Gifts, there are more mothers out there who would pure shit themselves over a Sushi Sock Set than there are Mums who need… a greeting card literally saying Happy Mother’s Day.
THE DESCRIPTION SAYS ‘HAND ROLLED BY A PROFESSIONAL SOCK CHEF’ AND I AM ONLY 90% SURE BUT I THINK IF YOU’RE A PROFESSIONAL SOCK CHEF THEN SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE YOU REALLY FUCKED UP YOUR CHEF’ING AND/OR SOCKING CAREER
NotSocks is coming in hot with the ol’ Mother’s Ruin; this is second in line in their catalogue, trumped only by the “Wooden Apoidea Bee House.”
Mums! They like bees and gin.
TO BE FAIR MY MOTHER DOES LIKE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS.
ALSO WHERE ARE THE OTHER SPREADABLE SPIRITS? GIVE ME BOURBON PEANUT BUTTER OR GIVE ME DEATH
Again, I objectively like this product, but I’d like it more if six of the top 10 Mum gifts on Not Socks didn’t contain or reference wine.
Mums! They love to drink! It’s probably your fault! Ha ha, mother’s wine club! Mums! Their coping mechanism is chardonnay!
Ha ha ha, women are so silly! And always drunk!
There are not one but two Peppa Pig books in the first 8 items of the Mother’s Day collection and honestly I don’t even think I can blame the great minds behind STFD. I think something has gone terribly wrong with their product filtering.
Don’t worry though, the 10th item is a magnetic Fridge List Pad!
THANK YOU FOR BIRTHING AND RAISING ME BUT I NOTICE THAT ONCE AGAIN WE ARE OUT OF FUCKING EGGS. PERHAPS THIS WILL HELP. MAKE ME SOME CHEESE!
The third (third) item in their Mother’s Day Sale, after a very acceptable personalised necklace and personalised vase, is the…
“Personalised World’s Best Daddy Photo Keyring.”
HAPPY EASTER, SANTA IS COMING FOR YOU
Now look.
Nobody is saying dads aren’t good. I have one and he is top quality, and I’m not only saying that because he reads this and will write me out of the will if I say otherwise and/ortell you all about how very much he overshares about his love life.
I hear some people (scientists) even believe that without a Dad, there can’t be a Mum!*
BUT THE DAD HAS HIS OWN DAY AND IT IS IN SOME MONTH I WILL LOOK UP AT ANOTHER TIME. MAYBE SEPTEMBER? REGARDLESS, THIS IS NEITHER THE TIME NOR THE PLACE TO LOVE YOUR FATHER.
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*speaking purely biologically here. You do you. Families come in all shapes and sizes and hopefully no matter what yours looks like you don’t tell your children about the woman from FindSomeone who was “a lot hairier than her profile picture suggested,” thanks Pa.
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JB Hifi, which is an electronics store, makes the very controversial choice of leading its Mother’s Day Sale with a Fitbit.
Here is the thing about Fitbits; you don’t buy anyone a Fitbit unless they have specifically mentioned they would enjoy a Fitbit.
This goes for anything exercise- or diet-related and you are welcome for that very important piece of life advice.
SEE YOU THINK YOU’RE SAYING “MUM I LOVE YOU THIS EXPENSIVE TRACKER MUCH” BUT ACTUALLY YOU’RE PROBABLY SAYING “MY MAMA SO FAT I JUST BOUGHT HER A FITNESS WATCH FOR MOTHER’S DAY AND GENUINELY CAN NOT SEE HOW THIS COULD BE CONSTRUED AS KIND OF RUDE, AND ALSO I JUST OWNED MYSELF WITH A YO MAMA JOKE.”
If your mother has expressed an interest in a Fitbit, knock yourself out. Otherwise, carry on to the rest of the JB Hifi Mother’s Day catalogue, or don’t, because following up the Fitbit section we have…
A toaster!
HAPPY FUCKEN MOTHER’S DAY! GET TOASTING!
Note that JB also thinks, based on page order, Mum is more likely to want a nice hairdryer than she is to want a brand new phone or tablet.
DO THESE PEOPLE EVEN HAVE MUMS?
Their sale starts well with nice products but unfortunately fifth on the list is that time-honoured gift, “Foldable Shopping Bag with Clip.”
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY I THINK MAYBE YOU MIGHT NEED TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET THOUGH? WE ARE OUT OF EGGS! MAKE ME SOME BREAD!
Farmers’ approach to Mother’s Day has been covered by Emily Writes better than I ever could, but let me just say that the Farmers search result has exactly no chill:
SHOP.
YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT COMPELS YOU, BUT SUDDENLY YOU FEEL THE URGE TO SHOP. THE OTHER SEARCH RESULTS FADE TO BLACK. YOU FORGET YOUR FAMILY. YOU FORGET YOUR JOB. THERE IS NO FAMILY, THERE IS NOT JOB. ALL THERE IS, IS SHOP.
YOU ARE SHOP. SHOP IS YOU.
SHOP.
Also I went to their Mum Gifts Under $100 sale and the second item was a leopard print top and while I guess it’s not for all mums, I suppose at least it isn’t yet another quirky wine-based pun homeware.
Strong start with some nice little figurines and gloves and scarves and so on, for the naff mums we all know and love and are in some cases directly related to, but then they throw it all out the window for that most classic and luxurious of mother’s day gifts, that thing that says “treat yourself” like nothing else…
HERB SCISSORS!
THESE ARE NOTABLE FOR TRANSCENDING “WHY WOULD MY MOTHER WANT THESE” AND CROSSING STRAIGHT INTO “WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER NEED THESE, PERFECTLY GOOD REGULAR SCISSORS HAVE ALREADY BEEN INVENTED. OH GOD, PLEASE ENJOY MY DINNER PARTY EVEN THOUGH THE CHIVE GARNISH IS MORE THAN 3MM WIDE.”
Bunnings, for those of you not in the know, is a hardware store.
I bet you are thinking, why is Bunnings in this list? Well. Bunnings is in this list because I saw it had a Mother’s Day Sale and I went “what” and I honestly wasn’t sure what it was going to Bun at me.
But while like all the other Day of the Mother sales out there it surprised me, unlike the ones we have covered it surprised me in a not-entirely-terrible way.
Bunnings divides its Mums into four categories: the Decorator Mum, the DIY Mum, the Entertainer Mum, and the Gardener Mum. Surely, given the time, you can rustle up at least one of those Mums.
The Decorator Mum gets glitter effect paint, chalkboard paint, and an LED Topiary Ball.
SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT HOW THE PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH THIS OBJECTIVELY FAIRLY TERRIBLE IDEA UNDOUBTEDLY GETS PAID WAY MORE THAN I DO
BEST NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT
YOU’LL ONLY GET SAD
The DIY Mum gets…
HACKSAWS!
IT’S DISAPPOINTING HOW REFRESHING THIS IS.
ALSO I AM BUYING MY MOTHER A STANLEY KNIFE BECAUSE, YES
The Bunnings Entertainer Mum is in for a gazebo (nice) and a picnic blanket (lame-ish) and 10m of artificial turf. Truly, whose entertainer mum wouldn’t benefit from 10m of artificial turf?
And the Gardener Mum gets a nice indoor plant and…
A GLOW IN THE DARK OUTDOOR OWL REFLECTOR.
WHAT IS THIS EVEN FOR? I HAVE NO IDEA BUT I NEED TEN.
Cancel everything, you’re getting your Mother’s Day gift from Bunnings.
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Also I hope all of you who out there who celebrate Mother’s Day (whether you Are a Mother or Have a Mother or Have a Wife who Is A Mother) have a lovely day celebrating it.
Happy Mother’s Day to you all MAKE ME SOME CHEESE!