Entertaining a Baby: 5am Edition

Hello everyone! The Milkmeister is now five months old and entirely delightful, except sometimes she thinks the day starts at 5am. She is, of course, incorrect. This is not when the day starts, unless you’re one of those people that do Running, but you try telling her that.

So, what does one do with a baby who wakes up at 5am, full of beans and ready to go?

(No, not running. Don’t be ridiculous. She is far too small.)

THIS WOMAN IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HER BABY WHO HAS WOKEN UP AT 5AM. THE BABY IN THE PRAM IS A DECOY THAT SHE HAS BEEN KEEPING IN THE BACK OF THE WARDROBE FOR THIS EXACT moment.

BUCKLE IN, DECOY BABIES, HERE WE GO!

The first thing to do when you are prematurely awoken by a baby with no manners or concept of time is to slap on your best, most heartfelt smile and say an enthusiastic good morning. This isn’t hard: she will be burbling cheerfully to herself in her bassinet, which is very cute, and she will absolutely BEAM when she sees you, which is also very cute.

(It’s a lot cuter at 7am though. Just saying. Milkmeister, if you’re reading this, this note is for you.)

The smile is important because the Milkmeister must know that you’re as delighted to see her as she is to see you, even if this isn’t entirely accurate because it is five in the fucking morning and you were up too late last night writing a blog about meat.

THAT’S THE ONE

Next, standard baby admin: change the MM* and feed her in the warm and dimly lit bedroom.

*just the nappy, I’m afraid at this point it is far too late to change the entire baby

If you are incredibly lucky, she will be lulled back to sleep by her tranquil surrounds and you can also go back to sleep. The other 98% of the time you retire to the lounge, place the MM on the floor* with something to Amuse Herself With, make yourself a coffee, and construct the Milkmeister Nest.

*because she can’t roll off the floor! Also ‘the floor’ is two layers of cushy playmat; I discovered** a book called ‘you can’t spoil a baby’ and thought I would test the theory.

**didn’t read it. I have a baby, when would I find the time?

OK SO THE MM NEST IS JUST TWO PILLOWS BUT IN MY DEFENCE IT’S 5AM AND I’M NOT ACTUALLY A BIRD.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ACTUAL BIRDS DON’T USE PILLOWS? THEY USE STICKS AND FEATHERS AND STUFF. EW.

the only thing my nest and bird nests have in common is that the baby goes in the hole in the middle. i suppose also they are both called nest.

— — —

Place the Milkmeister in her Nest. It is now 5:30am. Everyone is in good spirits.

Read the Nesting Milkmeister a story or two. She may try to eat the book but this shows Enthusiasm for Learning.

This morning we read ‘Tiddler’, which is a story about a fish that tells lies and eventually his lies save the day. This is refreshing because most kids’ books have either no plot (Colours, My Face, My First 100 Bug Words), a one-sentence plot (a bird gets dressed, a bee does indecent exposure, a woman has 23 sons and names them all Dave*), or a Heavily Moralistic Plot about sharing, diversity, or teamwork, all of which are good but aren’t what you want rammed down your throat by a cast of sanctimonious animals first thing in the morning.

*Often she wishes that when they were born, she had named one of them Bodkin Van Horn! And one of them Hoos-Foos, and one of them Snimm, and one of them Hot-Shot, and one Sunny Jim. Another one Putt-Putt, another one Moon Face, another one Marvin O’Gravel Balloon Face… and one of them Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate. But she didn’t do it, and now it’s too late.

I also know the Gruffalo off by heart. I am great at parties.

Hilaire Belloc’s 1907 ‘Cautionary Verses’ ARE THE ONLY EXCEPTION TO THE ‘BLEH, MORAL TALES’ RULE.

they ALSO INCLUDE ‘REBECCA, WHO SLAMMED DOORS FOR FUN AND PERISHED MISERABLY.’ I BELIEVE A MARBLE BUST FELL ON HER. WHO PUTS A MARBLE BUST ON A DOOR FRAME? SURELY THE INTERIOR DECORATOR IS THE REAL AMORAL BABY OF THIS TALE.

‘SARAH. WHO TOOK KICKBACKS FROM THE MARBLE BUST COMPANY AND NEVER HAD A PROJECT FEATURED IN ABODE MAGAZINE BUT DID HAVE THE ODD LAWSUIT’

— — —

You have read your stories and absorbed whatever questionable morals they may have had. It is now 5:45am.

The Milkmeister is in great spirits, but you are starting to unravel ever so slightly. You are calling the Milkmeister ‘Zanzibar Buck-Buck’ and somehow have the Gruffalo stuck in your head.

What a perfect time to give the Milkmeister some Stewed Pear! She isn’t big enough to eat it particularly well, but she enjoys the flavour and the opportunity to get pear all over herself, and it’s a fun way to fill in 15 minutes.

— — —

It is now 6am. There are pear-covered paper towels all over the coffee table. The Milkmeister, noticeably stickier than before, shows no signs of flagging… but you certainly do.

At this stage, you may either return the Milkmeister to the floor (where you and her will play with some toys) or pop her in her bouncer and put her on the kitchen bench next to you, while you do fun things like emptying the dishwasher.

At some point, it becomes 6:20am and the MM becomes tired. You can tell because her attention span becomes incredibly short and she starts to yawp alarmingly when she gets bored with an activity.

if you haven’t given her any Pear yet, it is NOW Too Late and you are Inviting Disaster if you Try.

At the risk of sounding like a terrible mother, the Tiredness of the Milkmeister is somewhat of a relief because by this point you’re running out of ideas for how to entertain a baby when it’s dark and you have to be quiet to avoid waking the whole household.

If it was lunchtime, you could play the piano or go for a walk or repeatedly hit the one section of the MM’s musical toy that goes “Oiseau!”

It’s her favourite.

But it isn’t lunchtime. It’s 6:23am. No oiseau for you.

The MUSICAL toy would say “Bird!” but for some reason it’s set to French.

ALSO IT’S NOT A ‘MUSICAL TOY’ IT’S A ‘GLOW AND DISCOVER LIGHT BAR’ AND IT has three language settings because it is made for overachieving babies. it is by a company called Baby Einstein and everything they make is for overachieving babies.

i suspect that the MM is not an OVERACHIEVING BABY because she much prefers the box the ‘glow and discover light bar’ came in to any actual glowing or discovery that it may provide.

Digression: did any of you have an egg-shaped musical bird toy when you were Small? We did. He was beloved and his name was Wuzzo Dang Dang. When my sister and I were adults we suddenly remembered Wuzzo Dang Dang and Googled him relentlessly, with no results.

Eventually we realised it was probably ‘Oiseau’ but that didn’t help.

This feels like a good time to clarify that ‘oiseau’ is pronounced ‘wuzzo’ and is French for ‘bird.’

the aniseed has been gently sprayed upon his feathers.

We decided it must have been some sort of shared fever dream… until last week it came up at a family dinner, and a Helpful Cousin did a swift Google and said “Is this it?”

AND IT WAS!

WUZZO DANG DANG!!

HE WENT ‘DANG DANG’ WHEN YOU ROLLED HIM and his name was wuzzo.

we had not seen the explanatory goose picture.

It turns out the elusive Wuzzo was in fact the Playskool Chime Bird, but one side of the box was in French, and for some reason this is the side we had seized upon; or rather, this was the side our parents had seized upon, because someone must have told us how to pronounce Wuzzo.

IN another timeline THERE IS AN ADULT FRANTICALLY GOOGLING THE ELUSIVE musik-vogel.

Anyway, back to the baby. I hope you gave her something interesting to do while you were busy digressing about Wuzzo Dang Dang.

— — —

Recap: it’s 6:25am and everyone is losing the plot. Last time you checked the clock it was three hours ago, but somehow also 6:21am.

But relax, you’re on the home straight! Return yourself and the MM to the couch for some Activities. Bounce her up and down, fly her around in the air, have a few rounds of ‘Climbing Everest’ or ‘Tiny Godzilla.’ This is the closest you’ll get to Running (unless you Ran Away like that mother with the decoy baby, in which case, you go, girl!)

In ‘Climbing Everest,’ you rest your feet on the coffee table and ‘climb’ the MM up to sit on your raised knees, at which point you declare (with great appreciation) that she has conquered Everest. Then you say “Oh no! Polar winds!” and move your knees from side to side as if the MM is skiing the slalom, making a polar winds-y sort of a noise as you do. She will laugh, because she has no concept of frostbite or “I am going outside and may be some time.”

When she ceases to be amused by the polar winds, say “Oh no! Avalanche!” and ‘tumble’ her down into your lap. Repeat as needed.

SHE IS EDMUND HILLARY AND YOU ARE TENZING NORGAY. UNLESS OF COURSE SHE BURPS AND THEN SHE IS THE BURPIN’ SHERPA AND THAT CAN GO ON FOR SOME TIME.

In ‘Tiny Godzilla’ you lift the MM under the arms, high in the air, and say “Oh no, Godzilla!” Then you bring her down again so she can stomp on your thighs, and you say “No, Godzilla! Not the business district!” and Tiny Godzilla laughs. Repeat until Tiny Godzilla is tired.

Tiny Godzilla works best if she is in her green onesie. Also I keep writing ‘Tony Godzilla’ by mistake and now I am wondering what his first name is.

This last part of the morning routine is important because while you can try to get a tired-ish Milkmeister off to sleep, it’s a lot easier if you crack on with 10 minutes of high-energy games to exhaust her last vestiges of vim and vigour.

MUCH LIKE ACTUAL GODZILLA IMMEDIATELY FALLS ASLEEP IN THE COLISEUM AFTER USING HIS ATOMIC BREATH TO END THE ICE AGE.

— — —

It is now 6:35am, but that’s irrelevant because time has lost all meaning. Your coffee, which you forgot to drink, is cold and your arms ache from all the baby-hoisting.

Give Tiny Godzilla a pacifier and a cuddle. She will snuggle into you, sigh in great satisfaction, and drift off to sleep; now you can gently transplant her back into her bassinet. Inexplicably, you will be overwhelmed by the sheer loveliness of your baby and what a genuinely excellent hour and half it’s been, and you may also feel proud that when it comes to the 5am baby routine you have - as Edmund Hillary would say - knocked the bastard off.

This would be the perfect time for you to hop back into your warm bed and snooze until the Milkmeister wakes up in an hour or so. However, you’re wide awake and you have to get ready for work in 10 minutes.

Might as well put that time to good use and fold some washing!

Author’s note:* I hope this post doesn’t make it sound like I dislike early mornings with the MM. Hanging out with a cheerful and chaotic baby is a very nice way to start the day. But I’m also quietly delighted when she sleeps right through to a civilized 6am!

*as if the whole blog isn’t one big author’s note