Baby Fashion

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Hello everyone!

The Milkmeister has now been here for a whole SIX MONTHS, which means that there have been 162 occasions where I have dressed her, factoring in the occasions when her Dad did it, and also the occasions when a Bizarre Baby Bungle necessitated a complete outfit change.

Would you like to know what the Milkmeister wears? If not, I heavily suggest you stop reading now. If you’re interested in What Babies Wear, then oh boy do I have the post for you. It’s like the Met Gala but the theme is you’re a baby.

 

A$AP Rocky gets it.

AND rihanna is giving “i know he’s in a blanket but i have a meeting at 9” daycare drop-off vibes.

 

Dressing a baby requires more thought than you might imagine. Your baby must be dressed appropriately for the temperature, look adorable, and be in something clean. It doesn’t sound hard, but: cute Viking-patterned onesie? Too cold! Snuggly beige sweater? Somehow makes her look like a potato stacked on top of another potato! Stylish little dress? At the bottom of the washing basket, covered in poo! And so it goes.

Here are your options:

Onesie/Bodysuit

The onesie, which I have recently discovered is actually called a bodysuit, is the backbone of the baby wardrobe. The foundation upon which all baby outfits are built. The coal furnace that powers the unstoppable steam train that is your baby’s sartorial splendour.

 

THIS, BUT A BABY. ALSO THIS LADY’S MUMMY HAS FORGOTTEN TO PUT HER NAPPY On.

 

I have been stuffing the MM into a merino bodysuit from Day One because they are soft and nice, easy to put on, and stop her from getting too cold or too hot. (Did you know that babies can’t regulate their temperature? Massive design flaw. In a proper development environment, babies would never have made it past the testing phase.)

Bodysuit fact: an alarming number of bodysuits have rabbits on them. Rabbits are an over-represented motif in baby fashion; there are hardly any bears or snakes or hippos, and those are objectively more interesting animals.

(I admit that the snake is not overly visually interesting, but you come back to me when you design a rabbit that can shed its skin. Actually, maybe don’t design that. I don’t like it and I regret having the idea.)

 

We have about 15 rabbit-themed items and only one that features frilled lizards. What is the world coming to.

 

Here is another cool fact about bodysuits; when your baby wears the same 6 in rotation, month after month, you end up giving them nicknames. We have:

  • Tiny Prisoner, which has black and white stripes and makes the MM look like she has escaped from baby jail.

  • Tiny Prisoner: Pink Edition, which has pink and white stripes and makes the MM look like she has escaped from baby jail for ladies.

 

i laughed so MUCH when i made this that PERHAPS i too should be in BABY jail.

 

  • Fancy Rabbit, the crown jewel of the rabbit-themed items.

  • Bluey Long-Arms, the only bodysuit apparently named after an old-timey prospector.

  • The One With Buttons, which sounds like a Friends episode but is in fact quite self-explanatory.

  • Backup Onesie, which was a lovely chocolate colour on the website but is actually an odd shade of brown, and the MM’s wardrobe has quite enough accidental occurrences of that without me needing to add any more.

  • Unlucky Acorns, which is a perfectly normal acorn-patterned bodysuit that I have decided is Unlucky and don’t dress the Milkmeister in if I can avoid it.

 

it’s entirely normal. THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT TO BE UNLUCKY. NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED IN IT.

…AND YET.

ALSO I’D APPRECIATE IT IF NOBODY INFORMED THE MM’S DAD ABOUT ‘UNLUCKY ACORNS’ BECAUSE HE ALREADY THINKS I’M A BIT soft in the head.

 

However, baby cannot live in bodysuit alone* and so, alas**, this list must be more than one item long.

*her legs would get cold

**mostly alas for you, I’m having a nice time

All-in-one… Things

I don’t know what these are called. Perhaps they are the elusive onesie? Anyway, we have heaps and the MM never wears them because she’s always in a merino bodysuit.

 

THIS THING.

IDEALLY WITHOUT THE JAUNTY INVISIBLE INHABITANT.

 

Jackets

Useful. Adorable. Often knitted by an older lady in the Milkmeister’s inner circle, and often weirdly proportioned; I don’t know if this is because the patterns aren’t great, or because older ladies have forgotten how babies go.

Some are short in the body but hugely long in the arms. Some have a sensible arm length but a tiny hole for the head. Some are just tubes with holes for the arms. Some are ridiculously long and have huge lapels and are called “The Milkmeister’s Pimp Coat.”

 

UNLESS WE ARE AT ANTENATAL GROUP. then it is ‘her blue jacket.’

THIS PHOTO IS QUITE A GOOD REPRESENTATION OF ANTENATAL GROUP.

the woman on the left is talking about how jimothy never has any sugar, NEVER wakes up before 6am, AND NEVER shits down his leg during the night. the woman on the right wishes she could shit down her own leg right now so she haS a reason to leave.

 

Pants With Feet In

Two items of clothing in one! Can’t go wrong. Also means you don’t have to fuck about with socks.

It turns out that 50% of parenting is fucking about with socks.

Will the socks be warm enough? Will the MM’s hammy little foot fit into the socks? Will the socks be tight enough to stay on? If so, will they be too tight and pinch the MM’s legs? Why, five minutes into your walk, is the MM only wearing one sock? When did the sock fall off? Can you be fucked retracing your steps to find it? If you find it, can you muster the coordination to bend down and pick it up while the MM is strapped to your front? If the sock has fallen in a puddle a little bit, do you stuff it in your pocket and spend the rest of your walk clasping the MM’s foot for warmth, or do you turn it inside out and put it back on? If you stuff it in your pocket, will you remember to take it out and put it in the wash, or will you spend the next week looking for it around the house?

Five minutes later: why has the other sock fallen off?

Why is this nice supermarket lady chasing me across the carpark? What is that, clasped in her hand?

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE SOCK FELL OFF IN THE BISCUIT AISLE, WHY DO BABIES EVEN HAVE FEET

 

All I am saying is that if Hansel and Gretel had been carrying sock-wearing babies they would never have had all that trouble with the witch.

Pants Without Feet In

Nothing wrong with them, but they would be better if they had feet in, because then there would be no need for socks.

Socks

I believe we have heard all I have to say on this matter.

 

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS

IT IS THE BABY SEAL because he is not a sock

BUT I HAVE TO GIVE THEM POINTS FOR AT LEAST CORRECTLY IDENTIFYING THAT HE IS ON THE GROUND.

 

Booties

Refer to Socks.

Hats

Isn’t it weird that as babies and toddlers, we wear hats every damn day, and then at some stage we just… stop?

Baby hats are delightful and I can’t stop buying them. The other day I bought the Milkmeister a hat so uniquely charming that her grandmother said she would walk two paces behind the Milkmeister when she was wearing it.

Presumably so she didn’t suffer by comparison.

 

IT’S NOT MY FAULT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW DOESN’T HAVE ANY HATS AS COOL AS THIS.

 

Headbands with Bows On

What do you do when you have a girl baby, but she hasn’t got enough hair to be obviously female and it’s not socially acceptable to do her makeup? Headbands with bows on! We were gifted quite a lot of these and I am trying not to take it personally. If the Milkmeister wants to look like a jovial old bloke that is her business.

Dungarees

Formerly the sole preserve of train drivers and lesbians, dungarees are an unexpectedly fun part of the baby wardrobe. Mostly because you can go to antenatal group with your Milkmeister in her finest dungers and the other mums will look at you suspiciously, as if you might secretly be a train driver.

Tiny Elaborate Dresses

There is a big market for delicate, multi-layered baby dresses with many frills and ruffles and bows. We have been gifted several of these and every time I look at them I just can’t be fucked.

I put one on the Milkmeister once and she immediately went BLURP and spouted milk all down the front of it. Good baby.

 

WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT. WHERE IS MY FRILLED LIZARD ONESIE.

 

Gowns

The only item that has a chance of pipping the bodysuit for King of the Baby Wardrobe, the merino gown is a lovely little item that has the double appeal of keeping the Milkmeister warm and making her look like a funny little monk. These are very expensive, but can one really put a price on turning your baby into Adorable Friar Tuck at any given moment?

The merino gown is an exclusively at-home item that is comfortable, luxurious, and slightly foolish-looking. It is the bougie oodie of baby garments.

 

OH YES SIR, I AM BOUGIE, in MY BOUGIE OODIE ALL NIGHT LONG!

THIS NARROWLY BEAT OUT ‘BOUGIE OODIE BUGLE BOY FROM COMPANY B.’ but YOU LET ME KNOW IF I’VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION AND I WILL CHANGE IT.

 

And with that I must end this post, because a) that’s all the baby garments I know, and b) I am not actually meant to be writing this, I’m meant to be sticking tiny labels into the baby garments so that the MM - who starts at daycare next week - doesn’t end up coming home stuffed into someone else’s bodysuit.

See you next time for some other sort of baby-related bullshit!