A Definitive Ranking of Meats

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Hello everyone! Today we make a brief departure from baby-related content for an unhinged ranking of all the different types of meat.

Truly a return to form.

 

I SEARCHED FOR ‘HUGE PILE OF MEAT’ IN THE STOCK IMAGE LIBRARY AND THIS WAS THE 8TH IMAGE. this is not meat, it is wicker container on bicycle.

here is a definitive ranking of wicker container on bicycle:

#1: pointed wicker container on bicycle
#2 tubular wicker container on bicycle

end of ranking.

(THE 9tH IMAGE WAS A HUGE PILE OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS.)

 

You have my friend, the Teacher, to thank (blame) for this post. She won a bag of chops for being good at squash (entirely normal event) and her victory chops sparked this horrendous concept. You can also blame the Milkmeister because I suspect this wouldn’t have sounded like a good idea if I hadn’t been awake for 17 hours.

Anyway! We aren’t here to talk about teachers and babies, you can’t eat them*!

*shouldn’t

We are here to talk about meat.

 

EXACTLY.

 

But one quick piece of admin before we embark on our meaty endeavours: a colleague of mine has discovered this blog. He said it was “surprisingly funny,” which felt like a compliment to the blog but somewhat of an insult to me in real life.

Then he asked if I was going to “put him in the blog.”

Why do people always want to be put in the blog? Have they not read the blog?

Nevertheless, I’m feeling generous, so in he comes. His nickname shall be Henry. It was going to be Jumping Spider because he is a Web Developer who loves to Recreationally Trampoline, but that’s unwieldy* and so we shall just call him Henry.

Welcome to the blog, Henry. I have put you in. Good luck getting out.

*and, in the first draft of this blog, lead to an extremely long digression about spider meat, which I have mercifully removed

 

IT IS A LABYRINTH OF BABY ANECDOTES AND DICK JOKES AND THE MINOTAUR IS TOOTHY PIG

 

Anyway! On to the meat.

I know that you, like me, have often wondered: With so many Meats to choose from, how can you know which Meat is Best?

Wonder no more! For I have Ranked the Meats.

Here are the Meat Ranking Criteria. (There has to be criteria, otherwise it isn’t scientific.)

1. I have classified the meats by cut/preparation, and by Beast. This is so we don’t confuse the objectively excellent Steak (Beef) with the entirely irresponsible Steak (Pork), a meat that should not be allowed to exist.*

*when I say it should not be allowed to exist I just mean the steak. The pig is fine. Let him be!

2. I have not included any Mucking Around With The Meat (crumbed, cured, turduckened), with the exception of Sausages and Ham, for absolutely no reason.

I told Henry about this post and he said “Aha! Corned Beef!” in the tone of someone who is watching a 6-part murder mystery on the BBC and has figured out who the murderer is one episode before the finale. But alas, this was a huge waste of breath on his part; Corned Beef is not eligible because clearly it has been Corned*.

*did you know why Corned Beef is called that? It’s because it’s cured using large chunks of rock salt, also known as ‘corns’. No punchline here, just straight up meat processing education.

3. To be included in this spectacular list the meat must be at least 90% actual meat. Adios, luncheon sausage!

 

Also adios dog SAUSAGE. I went and checked Roland’s ‘BUTCH Black Label’ and there is a surprising amount of coconut IN THAT THING. For the record I have not tried it so I do not know where it would’ve ended up on this list.

ALSO I BELIEVE BUTCH IS A BRAND NAME AND NOT AN ADJECTIVE BUT IT IS A FAIRLY MASCULINE DOG ROLL SO WHO KNOWS.

 

4. I have not included Quail, Turkey, or other Fancy Birds. Feel free to add them (in your mind) to any entry you’re reading about Chicken. I also have not included Eggs because I’m not a lunatic.

5. For the purposes of this blog, Seafood is not a Meat. Perhaps we might rank Seafood another time, or perhaps I will be run down by a bus and you will be spared my Fishy Thoughts.

A Definitive Ranking of the Meats

25. Pork Steaks

There is something inherently wrong about the pork steak. Is it the spongy texture? The pallid, off-grey hue? The incredible audacity of comparing itself to the glorious beefsteak?

Apparently pork steaks are also called “Boston Butt” and that is fitting because butt is what they taste like.

 

The Boston Butt, pictured next to the wholly inoffensive Boston Bun. Did you know there are also Boston Beans? They are candy coated peanuts.

Get out, Boston, with your butts and your beans!

But you may leave the bun.

 

24. Raw Chicken, Pork, or Any Non-Beef Meat

Ranked this low simply because if you eat it, you may die. Still better than a Boston Butt.

23. Offal (excl. Liver)

Apparently, when cooked well, offal can be delicious. I have never encountered offal that was cooked well.

Every so often I try some tripe just to make sure it’s still gross and it has never let me down.

22. Liver

Bumped up one place above its offaly chums because it’s nice in liver and bacon.

Do you know how to make liver and bacon? You cook some liver and some bacon. There you go, you’ve done it! Well done, you little Jamie Oliver you. You can add onions if you like, but I don’t know if you need the pressure that a Michelin star brings.

21. Sausagemeat

Formless! Spongy! Comes in a tube! What’s not to like? Quite a lot which is why it’s only at number 21.

20. Mince (Non-Beef)

Bleh. More on this later. I bet you can’t wait.

19. Chops (Pork)

Look, pork chops are fine, aren’t they. They’re the secondhand Toyota Corolla of meats: cheap and reliable, but the aircon doesn’t work and the radio only gets one station, and so you sit at the lights gazing wistfully at the Lamb(chop)orghini sitting next to you, half-heartedly singing along with “Rock DJ.”

 

pork steak is a mazda demio that someone has done a poo in.

 

18. Chicken Nuggets

Let us not pretend that the nugget is anything more than a vector for sweet and sour sauce. My sister calls these “Beaks and Arseholes,” which sounds like an unusual Snakes and Ladders spinoff, or perhaps a plague-doctor-themed sex act.

17. Chicken Tenders

It’s a nugget but you feel better about eating it because the chicken hasn’t been all mushed up.

16. Chicken Wings

It’s a nugget but there are bones. Chicken wings - or “Chicken Nibbles,” as we call them here, because we nibble them rather than wing them - simply have too much bones and not enough nibble.

I’m not about to lobby Big Chicken* because farmed chickens have a hard enough life as it is, but the bones have cost the wings at least three places on this list.

*was going to say Big Bird but that’s a different thing, isn’t it

15. Ham

If it was Christmas right now, ham would be much higher up the list. It isn’t, though.

Ham has made it this high because a) yum, ham and b) what other Seasonal Meats can you think of?* Let’s all take a moment to be proud of Ham for flouting the “no unadulterated meats” rule and also for giving wholegrain mustard a reason to exist.

*Don’t you come at me with turkey, I have already clarified that turkey is not invited to this party.

14. Mince

I feel slightly bad for putting mince this low on the list because mince is a fine and versatile meat. (Beef mince. Not pork mince or, God forbid, chicken mince. I will go back and add those minces to the bottom of this ranking, even though that means I will have to redo all the numbers, for such is my hatred for the substandard minces. Minces seems like an incorrect plural. Is the plural of mince just mince? Surely not. Minceii? Mincetopoluses?)

Note for nerds: I looked this up and it turns out that mince is an “uncountable noun,” which is why it sounds so weird when you say ‘minces’. Countable nouns are things like apple and dog and hat. Uncountable nouns are things like water and rice and… mince.

 

ahh, chicken mince, the nut mylk of meats.

IT’S NICE THAT THE STOCK PHOTOGRAPHER HAS THOUGHT TO JAZZ IT UP WITH SOME SALT AND PEPPER

 

Beef mince is good, though.

Beef mince is truly the meat of the people. It is delicious! It is affordable! It is versatile! It is equally at home in a shepherd’s pie, bolognese, nachos, larb, moussaka, burgers- actually, fuck this. Mince is going up the list.

13. Beef Brisket

Brisket is the ultimate overpromiser and underdeliverer of meats, always more tempting on the menu than it is in the mouth. Blah blah slow cooked, blah blah infused with flavour, blah blah WHY IS THIS SO SALTY AND SORT OF GUMMY.

I am a savoury sort of a chap and I enjoy a pulled meat as much as the next person* but Good Lord can you all please stop salting your brisket as if you’re about to take it on a ten-month sea voyage.

*stop it this is a family blog

12. Sausages (Bougie)

May we make a short departure from the meat chat to talk about how much I love the word ‘bougie’? We have stolen a word from the French and done something deeply stupid with it and I am very proud of us.

Meatwise, who doesn’t love a fancy sausage? Venison and Cracked Pepper, Pork and Fennel, Beef and Thyme, Lamb and Rosemary, Chorizo and Paprika.

If you know the names of a meat and a seasoning then congratulations! You have invented a fancy sausage.

 

THEY CAN’T ALL BE WINNERS.

 

11. Sausages (Regular)

Chuck in as many artisan seasonings as you like, but those bougie sausages will never be as good as a grubby old Bunnings snag.

For those of you that aren’t aware, Bunnings is a hardware store that sells precooked sausages because of The Community, and that’s all I’m going to tell you.

 

I DOWNLOADED THIS IMAGE DIRECTLY FROM THE BUNNINGS WEBSITE AND THE FILE NAME THEY gave IT WAS ‘GENERAL SAUSAGE IMAGE (1)’ WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT WAS THE ORIGINAL ‘GENERAL SAUSAGE IMAGE,’ AND ARE THERE SPECIFIC SAUSAGE IMAGES WE ARE MISSING OUT ON?

 

10. Entire Animal (Bird)

The Cooked Bird is a controversial thing. In a revolutionary list-within-a-list, allow me to present the pros and cons of The Entire Bird.

Pros:

  • You can Choose your Preferred Bit of Bird.

  • It’s Enjoyably Dramatic.

  • There is often Stuffing, which although not a Meat is a nice Bonus.

Cons:

  • The Bird is Often Dry.

  • Because the Bird is Time Consuming and/or Festive, you have to eat quite a lot of it even if it appears to have been Baked in the Saharan Sun.

  • Everyone else eats the Best Parts, especially the Stuffing.

In my opinion, the Cooked Bird is best saved for Christmas.

Perhaps if your heart hankers to cook an entire animal, you might try the…

9. Entire Animal (Pig)

What a flex. What a life goal. What an absolute power move. I have been to one (1) party where there was an Entire Cooked Pig and 40% of the evening’s conversation was about The Pig. The person who cooked it wasn’t even there and yet the pig dominated the party.

The downside is that you have to see the head of the pig and it is a little bit sad.

8. Steak (Stewing, Beef)

What a crock… pot hero. Earlier I said mince was the meat of the people and now I feel like someone who has been yapping on about 5ive because they have forgotten about the Backstreet Boys.

 

how good would it be if you went “am I sexual” and everyone was like YEAAAHHHH

 

Stewing steak is cheap, tasty, and goes with anything if you give it a couple of hours and half a bottle of wine.

And in that regard, are we not all a little bit stewing steak?

7. Pork Belly

I have some reservations about putting Pork Belly this high because it’s one of life’s great gambles. Ordering pork belly is like meeting your favourite celebrity: will it live up to your incredibly clear and succulent vision?

Or will it be tired, disappointing, and significantly fattier than you remember?

6. Ribs

Even if God hadn’t made me out of one, I would still love ribs. Here’s why:

  • Undeniably delicious.

  • Great sauce vector. The sauciest of the meats.

  • Supports the napkin industry.

  • Can be eaten with one hand while holding a baby.

Ribs are a terrible first date food though, which costs them a few points on this list because I don’t want my single readers to end up smothered in buffalo sauce and crying in a car park and blaming me.

5. Breasts/Thighs (Chicken)

Aren’t you glad I put Chicken, to rule out any confusion with beef breasts? (Or people breasts? They’re great but that’s a different list, isn’t it.)

I’m not particularly enthused about chicken meats, but their versatility and general inoffensiveness has earned them a place in the top 10.

 

THE GOOSE AND ANISEED SIGN WAS A GENUINE MISTAKE BUT I AM KEEPING IT

 

4. Mince

You’ve already read about Mince. Scroll back down and read it again if you need to.

3. Raw Beef

I anticipate this will be the most controversial entry on this list because a lot of my readers are idiots. (Not you, of course, the other readers. You are very intelligent and good-looking.)

Beef tartare and beef carpaccio and beef tataki are joyous. I will not be taking questions at this time.

 

THIS IS WHAT ST. PETER GIVES YOU AS A LIL’ SNACKY SNACK when you’re in the queue for heaven

 

2. Steak (Fancy Beef)

A world away from the Pork Mistake, a good beef steak is a glorious thing.

Tender, yet substantial. Simple, yet indulgent. Beef, yet steak.

It doesn’t matter if you favour a sirloin or a scotch fillet or a ribeye or a porterhouse - especially because I suspect at least two of those are the same thing - they are all excellent and are perhaps the best gift Nature has given us. If I had to choose between Steak (Fancy Beef) and an endangered, ecologically critical coral reef I would choose the coral reef because I feel like you would judge me otherwise.

But I would have some regrets.

 

I MEAN, IT DOES NOT LOOK DELICIOUS.

 

—

And now, we have reached the part in our ranking where only One Meat Remains.

Without further ado - and I feel like there has been rather a lot of ado - let me present the King of Meats.

1. Chops (Lamb)

CHOPS (LAMB)!

 

CHOPS (LAMB)!

 

Chops (Lamb) have all the upsides of the other top 10 meats, with none of the downsides.

  • The deliciousness of steak, but with a convenient handle.

  • The hand-greasing indulgence of ribs, but with a better meat-to-bone ratio.

  • The everyman charm of mince, but with a more satisfying texture.

  • The convenience of chicken breasts, without the incredible dullness of chicken breasts.

  • The deliciousness of a great pork belly, without the terrible risk of a sub-par pork belly.

  • The finesse and sheer delight of raw beef, but suitable for times when your husband says, “You can’t seriously be intending to have tiny slices of raw meat for dinner.”

  • The depth of flavour of stewing steak, without the need to invest two hours and half a bottle of wine.

  • Satisfies your inner caveman in a similar way to an Entire Animal, but without the need to cook an Entire Dang Animal.

And that is that! Chops (Lamb) - or Lamb Chops if you really must - are the Meat you Cannot Beat.

If you believe you can indeed Beat this Meat - or if you have any other Chipping In to do on this Meaty Ranking - please let me know in the comments. I would love to hear your Meaty Thoughts.

Unless you intend to speak in favour of the pork steak, in which case- oh no! I think that’s Nurse, calling you in for dinner.

 

If someone gives me $5 for this blog I have ikigai’d the fuck out of this tuesday