Entertaining A Baby: Reading Books

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The older the Milkmeister gets, the better she gets!

But also, the older she gets, the more entertainment she needs. Gone are the days when you could dangle a toy in front of her for 10 minutes and she would be like “excellent, that’s filled up my tiny brain, off to sleep I go.” Now she is awake for two hours at a time and she needs Things To Do!

don’t we all.

So. How do you entertain a baby?

You may think you need many expensive, developmentally appropriate toys, but let me tell you a secret: you do not. The Milkmeister’s favourite toys are, in no particular order: an $80 sensory toy designed by someone in Denmark, a $5 emergency blanket designed by someone in the Civil Defence, a sartorially questionable scarf given to her by her nana, and the kitchen whisk.

SHE TRIES TO CRAM IT IN HER MOUTH AND I SAY “OH, WHISKY BUSINESS!” AND WE ALL HAVE A MIGHTY FINE TIME.

Entertainment Option One: Books

(There were going to be a lot of different ways to entertain a baby in this post but then I embarked on an impassioned rant about Willbee the Bumblebee and so today we will cover Books, and leave the other Entertainments for Another Time.)

The Milkmeister and I read a lot of books and we both enjoy it very much. MM enjoys the pictures and the sound of my voice, and I… also enjoy the pictures and the sound of my voice.

We are big library fans; we trot off to the library and the MM chooses her own books, in that I show her a page of the book and if she observes it with interest, or tries to eat it, we take that book out.

Our favourite books are Where Is The Green Sheep? -

spoiler alert: he is asleep behind a bush, and who can blame him? if I was constantly being hunted by a baby I’d be asleep behind a bush too. does anyone have a bush I can borrow

- and My First 100 Bug Words -

words include ‘clitellum’ (the bandaid-looking part of a worm) and ‘spiracles’ (the breathing holes of a beetle). If you don’t know 100 bug words yet then I can thoroughly recommend this book.

- and The Gruffalo.

the other day my husband said he was “not particularly fond of” The Gruffalo. I said, “Is it because I do different voices for all the animals?” He said, “It certainly doesn’t help.”

joke’s on him though because we caught up with some babyhaving friends the other day and they also do voices for all the animals! although they are clearly idiots because their Gruffalo is Australian. obviously he is from the Soviet Bloc.

Reading a book to your baby is one of the peak forms of baby entertainment! It’s genuinely very cool to see your Milkmeister stare in fascination at the sun sheep and the rain sheep and the car sheep and the train sheep and the sand sheep and the wave sheep and the scared sheep and the brave sheep and oh my god, there are so many sheep.

THE MOON AND STAR SHEEP ARE THE BEST OF THE SHEEP.

THIS IMAGE IS FROM AN ARTICLE CALLED ‘THE BEST 20 COLOUR CONCEPT BOOKS FOR AUTISTIC KIDS’ AND NOW I AM doinG myself A little concern ABOUT WHY I ENJOY THIS BOOK SO MUCH

In conclusion: books are great.

Unless, of course, the book is Willbee The Bumblebee.

Willbee the Bumblebee is by the authors of the Wonky Donkey and I can only presume it is their Difficult Second Novel. It makes me irrationally angry. Unfortunately the Milkmeister likes the pictures, and so we must endure a certain amount of Willbee.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of the things that annoy me about Willbee the Bumblebee.

  • His face.

 

did not know a cartoon bee could suffer so badly from backpfeifengesicht

 

  • The rhyme scheme, which is clunky as shit.

    “Willbee the bumblebee / lives his life in your garden so happily”
    IT SHOULD JUST BE ‘LIVES IN YOUR GARDEN.’ THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT.

    See also:

    ”With a twist of his arm she had him agree
    He would weave the wool they had and make a new jersey.”

    A new jerSEY, eh? Is that how we’re pronouncing jersey now? Fuck right off.

I JUST DISCOVERED that THE SONG VERSION FEATURES ‘KAZOO AS WILLBEE’ and I AM BEGINNING TO FEEL WE ARE OVERDUE FOR AN APOCALYPSE

  • In the story, Willbee’s mother knits him a “black and yellow jacket to keep him warm.” This is not scientifically accurate but I was willing to let it go. But then Willbee gets his “jacket” caught on a rose thorn and it… unravels? Bees don’t work like that! Willbee is effectively getting scalped! This is not suitable for a children’s book!

  • That’s not the worst bit though, because the result of this jacket unravelling is that he “loses his hum” because he is “showing the whole garden his bare bum” and I don’t care how whimsical you think that is, BEES DON’T HAVE HUMAN BUMS (or shame).

 

BEES DO NOT HAVE BUTT CRACKS!

 
 

OBSERVE THE TOTAL ABSENCE OF A BUTT CRACK! ALSO BEES LOVE “SHOWING THE WHOLE GARDEN THEIR BARE BUM” IT IS LITERALLY HOW THEY COLLECT POLLEN AHHHHHHH WHO PUBLISHED THIS BEE BUM HORSE SHIT OF A BOOK

 

  • The author rhymes “hum” with “bum” TWICE in this book. It is not a long book.

  • Willbee seeks help with his bare bum situation from a butterfly called Monica. This is fine. What is NOT fine is referring to her as ‘Moni’ three pages later in order to make the rhyme vaguely scan.

  • Spider Steve weaves a new jacket for Willbee, allowing the most egregious line of the whole book (but also, somehow, the best):

    ”Now Spider Steve he finished so quickly,
    He used a pattern he'd found in the Woman’s Weekly.”

    The author does not explore how Steve, a spider, is capable of reading the Women’s Weekly, or where he got his copy. They also do not explore how he manages to weave the jacket with his HANDS when that is not how spiders WORK OH MY GOD IS THERE NO PLACE FOR SCIENCE IN OUR MODERN SOCIETY.

THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK HAS NEVER READ ‘MY FIRST 100 BUG WORDS’ AND IT SHOWS,

I would love to tell you about other ways to entertain a baby but right now I have to calm down and go and throw Willbee the Bumblebee in the fire. I shall see you next time.