Four Month Milestones — mullord.com

Hello everyone!

Yesterday I bought a tiny baby toothbrush for the Milkmeister, who is now almost four months old. The toothbrush is shaped like a banana. Her dad said, “You do realise that she doesn’t have any teeth?”

Irrelevant!

THIS IS THE BABY TOOTHBRUSH IN QUESTION. it’s so stupid. i love it.
also WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO THAT BABY’S HAIR? I CAN’T TELL IF THIS IS PHOTOSHOP, AI, A TINY BABY WIG, OR THE POWER OF HALF A CAN OF HAIRSPRAY AND TOO MUCH SELF-BELIEF.

Have a baby, it’s good fun. The Milkmeister’s Dad is definitely the voice of reason in the house; the other day I asked MM, “Shall we go to the library?” and he said, “I thought you were going to visit your Mum,” and I had to explain that ‘the library’ is what MM and I call the box of bibs because it is “where you go to get your bib…liography.”

Sometimes I wonder if he has regrets about marrying me, but too late, sucker!

Anyway, everything is going well here. I’m back at work; NZ allows 6 months of paid parental leave, I took the first three months and the Milkmeister’s Dad is taking the second three. It’s nice to be back, I only work four days and while I do miss the Milkmeister’s funny little face, I also enjoy using my brain for things that aren’t ‘did I order more baby wipes.’

me, at antenatal group, casually slipping into the conversation the fact that i have never run out of baby wipes

I had vastly underestimated the fun you can have with a baby. The Milkmeister is now doing all sorts of interesting things, like smiling and chatting and stuffing her entire hand in her mouth because she’d like to suck her thumb but she isn’t entirely sure where it is.

She is often accidentally hilarious and I wonder if it’s bad form to laugh at your baby, but I did some intensive Googling and apparently babies enjoy being the cause of laughter. Thank goodness, because the other day she was sitting peacefully in my lap when she suddenly got a crazed look in her eyes, leant forward so her face was over my face, and yelled - cheerfully and with great gusto - directly into my mouth. The more I laughed, the more she yelled. We were stuck in this pattern for an embarrassingly long time.

also, I ASSUME THAT AT THIS AGE SHE IS MUCH LIKE A DOG, in that she can’t really tell the difference between ‘laughing with her’ and ‘laughing at her in a kindhearted fashion.’
did you know ABOUT THAT? Dogs can recognise that you’re laughing, and they know that means you’re happy, but they can’t differentiate between “sharing a joke with Roland” and “laughing at Roland because he sat on his squeaky toy, startled himself, farted in surprise, then barked at the front door because he couldn’t FIND the fart.” they’re just happy that you’re happy.

So, at the tender age of 0.3186, what does the Milkmeister like? What has she been up to recently?

I’m glad you asked. Here are a few of her favourite things, plus a bonus 20-step walkthrough on how to shower your baby which a) nobody asked for and b) I didn’t really mean to include.

People

The Milkmeister is a real people person (people baby?), which she certainly didn’t get from me. She is a pretty affable little chap, and she picks up what you are putting down - so if you grin at her for long enough, eventually she will grin back.

LIKE STARING INTO THE ABYSS, BUT GUMMIER.

For a while, I did have to tell people that she would smile at them if they smiled at her, but “you have to smile with your teeth or she doesn’t know what you’re doing.”

Bonus zoological tip: this is the exact opposite of how to interact with a chimpanzee, who will take your bared teeth as a sign of aggression. You’re welcome.

The MM’s cheery nature makes her incredibly popular with grandparents, supermarket cashiers, and little old ladies.

Bonus sociological tip: did you know that when you have a baby, it doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, a little old lady will pop up out of nowhere and start asking questions?

“does she like to chew on pegs? my roderick always loved chewing on pegs.”

Side note: one question I can’t get behind is, “Is she a good baby?” I know it’s just the phrase people use, but it rankles me. (I don’t think that’s how one is supposed to use ‘rankles’ but that’s how I’m using it. Sorry if that rankles you.)

The MM is a textbook Good Baby, in that she enjoys eating, sleeps well at night, and doesn’t grizzle excessively - but even if she was a fussy eater who woke up every 2 hours to shout at the moon, she would still be a good baby. They are all good babies. Babies don’t do annoying things on purpose and the quality of a baby should not be measured by its ability to not annoy you. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Trees

I think, if the Milkmeister had to choose between people and trees, she would probably choose trees.

We spent an hour walking round the park yesterday, looking at trees. The MM was absolutely delighted the entire time.

The contrast against the sky! The light coming through the leaves! The way they move in the breeze!

Fuck yeah, trees!

Scarves

Much like a 45-year-old divorcee, the MM sure does love a colourful scarf. Flap it in the air, put it over her head, drape it elegantly across the dog - she doesn’t care what you do, if a scarf is present the MM is having a Good Day.

ICE CUBE GETS IT. HE’S ALSO HAVING A GOOD DAY BECAUSE HE’S WEARING A SCARF.
I HAVE YET TO GIVE THE MILKMEISTER AN ICE CUBE BUT SHE DID LICK A KFC CHIP ONCE.

Outings

When the Milkmeister was about 2 months old, I mentioned to my antenatal group* that I took her on an outing every day, even if it was just to the supermarket, and they all reacted as if I was some kind of superwoman.

This boggled my mind because outings are crucial! A whole day at home with a baby is the longest day in the world, no matter how much you love and enjoy said baby. An outing is fascinating for the baby and makes you feel less like you’re in that Room movie.

Here are some of our favourite outings:

1. Go to the park and look at trees. The undisputed king of outings.

Pros: The Milkmeister loves it and the fresh air is, I suppose, good for us.

Cons: If you are over about 8 months old, which I am, it is not the most fascinating outing.

2. Go to a baby-friendly event, like Wa Pepi (baby singalong at the library) or Baby Sensory (pretentious version of baby singalong at the library).

Pros: The Milkmeister loves it and it fills up her tiny brain, so you are guaranteed a nice peaceful nap for the rest of the morning.

Cons: At Baby Sensory we do baby sign language songs and I worry that the other parents will judge me for forgetting the sign for “corn” three weeks in a row.

did i deliberately find the most suggestive corn photo in the stock library? no comment.
The song goes: “Say hello to the corn, growing for me. I love the corn because the corn feeds me.” It’s not exactly Dylan but it’s apparently good for baby brain development. it’s not good for my brain development though because it gets stuck in my head all. the. fucking. time. i’ll be happily presenting away in a client meeting and suddenly- say hello to the corn!

3. Go to a museum or art gallery. They are surprisingly baby-friendly and you can impress everyone with how cultured your baby is.

When we visited the art gallery, I left the stroller at the front desk and carried the Milkmeister around so she could better see the art. When I picked up the stroller the nice art gallery person asked, “How did it go?”

I said, “This baby has weird taste in art!”

Which was sort of a joke, but also she sort of did.

He said, “Oh, what did she like?”

I do not think he expected a list of her six favourite pieces.

we must have seen over 200 arts and these are the 6 arts that made the milkmeister smile.
i don’t think i’ll start saving for the royal college of art just yet

Pros: The Milkmeister loves it, and it’s interesting for me.

Cons: Next time you go to antenatal group, one of the other mums will say to the Milkmeister, “What have you been up to this week? Go to any art galleries? The opera, perhaps?” and you will think to yourself, Hmph.

4. Go to the supermarket or hardware store.

Pros: The Milkmeister loves it and it’s very easy to do. To make life a bit more exciting you can go to a supermarket you don’t usually go to. Thrilling stuff!

Cons: Let’s be honest, this is scraping the bottom of the outing barrel. This is what you do when it’s raining, you’ve already been to the art gallery this week, and you can’t be bothered visiting an actual person.

5. Go to your work drinks! We went to work drinks a bunch during my parental leave. My favourite visit was during the MM’s ‘witching hour’ phase, where between 4:30 - 8pm she became a tiny demon who did not wish to sleep and only wished to yell. She lasted at work drinks until 5:15 and then Began The Descent and my boss said, “Don’t worry! You guys can stay!”

Ho ho ho. Sweet summer boss. We made a swift exit.

Pros: The Milkmeister loves it, most colleagues love it and the ones that don’t are relatively polite, you can pass the MM round your colleagues for an hour while you chill out and have a glass of wine.

Cons: No trees.

*the antenatal group is the weirdest social experience I’ve ever had, with the possible exception of brass bands. You’re thrown together with 6 other women, based on nothing but “we are all having a baby at roughly the same time and none of us know what we’re doing” and then they become your friend group for the next… ever, whether you like it or not. It’s even weirder because generally speaking, the sole topic of conversation is your babies, so you can end up in a situation where you know how many stitches someone has in their perineum but not what they do for a job.

Bathing

The Milkmeister loves bathing in all its forms! And why shouldn’t she? Warm water, full attention from a parent, someone gently soaping your bottom while singing you a jaunty song about bottom soaping. What’s not to love?

SOMETIMES I WISH SOMEONE WOULD GENTLY SOAP MY BOTTOM WHILE SINGING ME A JAUNTY SONG ABOUT BOTTOM SOAPING.

We do the odd bird bath when we’re short on time, and her dad likes to do the actual bath bath, but I’m all about the shower.

While the shower is initially daunting (because you worry about dropping a slippery baby) it’s unquestionably the best Baby Bathing Method.

Here is how we do it. If you have a baby with you, feel free to follow along.

1. Place the Milkmeister in her bassinet while you get everything organised. It should be at least 15 minutes since her last bottle, unless you enjoy having partially digested milk spewed all over you in the shower.

You might think that doesn’t sound too bad - “oh we’re in the shower, it’ll wash off” - but you are overestimating a) your ability to clean a baby’s mouth without getting water in her eyes, which will kickstart a festival of roaring and b) how clean you can get while showering with a baby. Spoiler alert: not at all clean.

2. Turn on the heater in the bedroom. The first time I took the Milkmeister in the shower, she absolutely ROARED when we got out and I was like oh no! what did I do? is it bad to shower babies?! am I a terrible mother?? But no, it was just the horror of getting out of a warm shower into a cold bedroom.

3. On the bed, place a baby towel, a clean nappy, nappy cream, your dressing gown, and whatever funky little outfit you are planning to inflict on your baby today.

4. Make sure the container of liquid baby soap is on the floor of the shower, and that there is a washcloth in the general vicinity. If you get in the shower without the soap it’s still a nice time but you don’t really achieve an awful lot.

5. Turn the shower on at its lowest pressure setting, and set it to a lukewarm temperature. You’ll know if you’ve got it right because it’ll be vaguely reminiscent of being urinated on by an unenthusiastic horse.

6. Retrieve the baby from the bassinet. Hype the baby up for the shower by saying “Let’s get ready to showerrrrrr!” in a wrestling announcer voice.

7. Both you and the baby become naked. It’s up to you who gets naked first, and there is no wrong answer. I’m team “plonk the naked baby on the bed while flinging off your dressing gown and shouting, ‘Nude Mum!’” It might not be good parenting but I feel it adds some excitement to the occasion.

and if you’re lucky, you might get to watch it back later on the baby monitor.

8. Hoist the baby aloft and enter the shower.

9. While the baby stares in fascination at the shower head, move one arm under the water (this is your temperature check).

10. Assuming the baby is happy, move more of her front half under the shower. (Not her head! She won’t like that.) At this point, it is traditional to say, “Ooh, nice shower!”

11. Rotate the baby so the water runs down her back. If all is going well, she will wiggle with happiness and/or surprise! At this point, it is traditional to say, “Yes, nice shower!” (You can also phrase this as a question: “Is it nice in the shower?” The baby will grin at you to confirm that yes, it is indeed nice in the shower.)

12. Drop down on one knee, next to the baby shampoo. Sit the baby on your raised knee, grasping her firmly, and use your other hand to gather soap.

i was trying to make an image showing how you soap the baby, but i made this by accident and it’s MUCH BETTER.

13. Lather up the baby, while saying something profound like “Ooh, soapy soapy!” You might also say, “What shall we clean first, top end or butt end? Soapy’s Choice!”

That’s a classic movie reference for cultured babies, the kind that go to art galleries.

14. Thoroughly soap a region of your baby. The regions are: butt n’ surrounds, chest and armpits, neck rolls, and head. The feet are included in the buttal region, the hands you just kind of get to when you can. The Milkmeister loves being soaped and produced her first laugh ever, the first laugh of her whole entire life, while I was busy soaping her neck rolls. What a milestone.

15. Rinse the soap off the baby.

16. Repeat steps 12-15 until the baby is somewhat clean.

17. If the baby is happy and you’re feeling daring, you may try “Up The Spout.” You hold the baby with her back to the shower, then pop her head under the flow of water and move her swiftly upwards. Be aware that she has to be very happy when you do this, otherwise she will think Up The Spout is some new and creative form of torture and she will not hesitate to voice her displeasure.

18. Time to get out! If your husband is home, shout “WE ARE READY TO GET OUT” and he will come and take the baby so you can have an actual shower. If he isn’t home, turn the water off and dash into the bedroom.

another fun thing to watch later on the baby monitor. who needs netflix?

19. Deposit the baby gently on the towel and wrap her up as fast as possible to minimise the amount of time she spends cold and wet, and therefore also minimise the chance of a Post Shower Shout. I know you’re also cold and wet but you’re an adult, you can deal with it.

20. Just kidding, no you can’t. Put your dressing gown on so you don’t freeze to death.

21. Dry and dress your baby. We use Tui Baby Balm instead of nappy cream, which is very good despite being, essentially, an expensive tub of grease. If you also use Tui Baby Balm, you may like to sing a cover of ‘Greased Lightning’ or another grease-themed song that takes your fancy.

GO, GREASED BABY, WE GREASING UP YOUR CHUBBY THIGHS! (GREASED BABY, GO GREASED BABY)

Our repertoire also includes an original song about how the baby keeps increasing (it must be from all the greasing) and a cover of ‘Desperado’ called, creatively, ‘Greasy Baby.’

—

Congratulations! Mostly on making it through that section of the blog, but also, on the off chance you have followed these steps, on showering your baby.

I would love to keep wittering on - you know I would - but unfortunately it’s 11:08pm and if I don’t fall asleep in front of Masterchef now, I won’t be in top form for Baby Sensory tomorrow, and I really want to remember the baby sign language for corn.

See you next time, for As Yet Undetermined Blog Topic!

As a bonus appendix, here are three more fun things the Milkmeister does:

When I get her up in the morning she never fails to greet me with an enormous smile, even though I’m about to remove her from her warm sleeping bag, expose her butt to the cool morning air*, and rudely attack her nethers with a handful of cold wet wipes.
It’s a smile best described as “Fuck yeah, it’s you again!!” which makes a pleasant change from how my presence is normally received.

*this makes it sound like I change her nappy outside, which is not the case. We aren’t Romulus and Remusing this shit.
Despite being far too small to stand up, the MM very much wants to stand up. So I hold her under the armpits, take 90% of her weight, and prop her up with her feet on my thighs. She firmly believes she’s standing up all by herself and lets out a wild yell of triumph and delight.
Every time I try to remove the disgusting-yet-impressive amount of lint she manages to collect in her sweaty little hands, she frowns greatly and clings onto it. What do you want with this lint, Milkmeister? What purpose does it serve? Remind me to ask her when she’s older.

mullord.com

mullord.com

blog

mullord.com

mullord.com

Search / Subscribe