For Lucy, re: Babies
/Hello!
With Freddie’s pending arrival, here are some things I would’ve found helpful to know beforehand. I hope this doesn’t sound preachy, it is in the spirit of “I found this useful so perhaps you will too, but also perhaps you might not, everyone is different and every baby is different so apologies if this is hugely irrelevant.”
Some of this might sound grim, but you don’t need advice in the non-grim moments, do you? Also most of having a baby isn’t grim, it’s heaps of fun, and the older they get, the more fun they get. There are just a few bits where you gotta hang in there, and here is my advice for those bits.
Also, none of the more weird scenarios may happen to you! But if they do, I hope this some of this is useful.
“If your partner’s doing something useful with the baby, don’t watch”
Great advice from my midwife. You’ll both have your own ways of doing things and, as long as Freddie is safe and well, it doesn’t matter if one person is perhaps less… efficient than the other. Give each other as much grace and space as you can, even if Tom is washing bottles like an absolute fuckwit and/or has just loudly burped right as Freddie was finally going to sleep.
Especially during the “witching hour” phase - during this phase, Evie wouldn’t settle for love or money, just roared from 4:30-8:30pm every night until she exhausted herself and fell asleep. (This was the hardest part btw - everyone says it’s the first 6 weeks but it’s not, it’s the witching hour part a bit later - 8-12 weeksish for us I think.) My calming technique was to carry her around the lounge, around and around and around for literal hours, because she didn’t scream while she being carried and was on the move. James’ technique was to sit with her and pop a pacifier in, then she would spit it out and roar, then he would put it back, etc etc. We infuriated each other with this but both ways were effective and when one of us was holding her, the other one got a break.
Also, re: witching hour; during the four hours of Very Bad Baby-Screaming Times, if your partner has nothing left in the tank and you manage to find a teeny, tiny bit of resolve deep within yourself, the best thing you can do is go out for a walk (or a drive, if you’re up to it) with the baby. In this moment, you are Sam when he carries Mr Frodo up the mountain. Evie and I drove around aimlessly for an hour once - she spent about half of it yelling and half of it fitfully asleep and it is not what I’d call fun - but while we were out, James slept for an hour and was able to take over when I got back.
Also, not every baby has a witching hour phase! Freddie may not. Fingers crossed.
Slow is smooth and smooth is fast
This is an old hospo phrase that basically means “if you’re trying to do something in a hurry you’ll fuck it up and take more time than if you’d just slowed down and done it properly” and it was helpful. Taking a deep breath and doing a thing deliberately feels counterintuitive but was always faster than panicking and fucking it up three times in a row, especially when it is “putting the lid on the bottle while your baby screams” or “opening the new bag of nappies at an odd hour of the night.”
“Your Touch Is Love”
More good midwife advice. In the first few weeks, Evie couldn’t see an awful lot and had no idea what was going on, or who I was, or who James was, but she understood that touch meant someone was there. If she wasn’t settling, a firm hand on her tummy (not hard, just let your weight rest), or tucking my hand next to her cheek, often worked really well.
Have hand towels by the change table
Surprise wees (when you’ve removed the nappy, then the cold air hits the baby butt and triggers some kind of weird wee reflex) are inconvenient because they go up the baby’s back and mean you have to change their onesie, which especially sucks at 2am when you were trying to pull off a quick change so they don’t fully wake up, and now they’re wide awake and mad about it. My method is: undo onesie, slide folded hand towel under baby’s butt (slightly up the back behind the nappy), remove nappy. If Surprise Wees happens, apply towel upwards to the wees-producing area. Hey presto, no onesie change!
Get a day-night cycle going early
More good midwife advice. Once Freddie is sleeping in a dark space* (bedroom with nightlight or whatever) keep the lights dim for any night time changes or feeds. During changes, be gentle but brisk, and don’t chat, so the “excuse me sir, this is a quiet, sleepy time” vibe can persist.
*Evie wasn’t for the first, like, month because she just slept on us in the lounge, while the person who wasn’t holding the baby slept and the other person watched Taskmaster and counted down the minutes until they could nap.
Hormones are Weird
Be prepared for a couple of days where you’ll be an absolute nutcase and cry about everything. I wrote a blog about this if you wish to know more and/or laugh at my misfortune. It was objectively hilarious but also I could not stop crying omg embarrassing. You’ll come right again. Just let Tom know that it’s coming.
Also, be prepared for some weird thoughts. I was lucky enough not to have post-natal depression (despite being an absolute sitting duck for it) but I still had some weird thoughts. It’s just the hormones and the exhaustion and the complete topsy-turviness of your life. One day when Evie was tiny, before she could smile, I was looking at her and I thought, “Does this baby even like me? Do I even like her?” and I felt absolutely AWFUL for thinking it. She does, of course, like me, and I like her also. Very much. But there were a few moments like that early on where I had been functioning fine, and was feeling OK, and didn’t realise just how exhausted and hormonal I was, and you start doubting yourself, doubting the baby, doubting the whole thing. Don’t worry. Hang in there. It passes, and the baby won’t know about these doubts, or judge you for them. I was fiercely protective of Evie from Day One but it took me a few months to fall in love with her, and while I was adjusting to this Tiny Person I was also sleep-deprived and hormonal and anxious and blah blah blah. Good news: none of this is a problem any more!
Anyway this is totally normal! It can take up to a year to bond! Also, you don’t just randomly meet people and fall in love with them, do you. Why do people expect you will when it’s your baby? But it still feels shitty. Just give it a minute, and don’t feel guilty about not “loving her as much as you should” or anything like that. It’s just exhaustion and hormones and “what the fuck, there is a baby in my house, my life will never be the same, did I make a terrible mistake.” Nah you didn’t, you just need a decent sleep and a long shower. Good luck with that. Also when they start smiling and engaging with you, it gets SO much easier, because they’re a cool little person not a strange potato. Why is this strange potato in my house? Does this potato even like me? (Yes.)
Falling Asleep Holding the Baby
This was my biggest fear, apart from Evie spontaneously dying in the night (which is incredibly unlikely - everything in them is designed to survive - but I still wake up at night and trot through to her room to make sure I can hear her snuffly little breath hahaha).
If you’re worried about this, play games on your phone. I found watching things or reading things wasn’t enough - I would start to doze and then jerk upright in an absolute panic in case anything had happened to Evie (it hadn’t) and would feel like the worst person in the world. Then I tried games and that was the end of that worry. Candy Crush, Wildfrost, Balatro, Dawncaster, Panda Pop, whatever your jam is.
Stay One Step Ahead of the Baby
This is the name of the game in the first 3 months. If you think you need three bottles, wash four. If you think you need two clean onesies, wash three. If the baby wipes aren’t quite empty but you have time to fill them, fill them. If you have ten minutes and justv want to sleep but could use two of those ten minutes to refill the nappy station, refill the nappy station. This sounds like a pain, and it is, but it also means that when your adorable baby shits on your hand, while you’re holding a bottle, at 3am, you can just deal with what’s in front of you and not have to deal with any baby admin before you can deal with the actual baby.
“It is like being on a submarine during the war.”
This unusual advice is from my uncle, who has never been on a submarine, or in a war, but does have three children. Full quote: “It’s like being on a submarine during the war: when the alarm goes off, it doesn’t matter if you were asleep or what you were in the middle of, you just get up and do what must be done.” I don’t know why, but I found this attitude surprisingly helpful. Having a small baby (less than 6 months) is very that. You’ve finally fallen asleep and then she wakes up and starts crying and, well, man the torpedoes!
Get out of the house
At the end of James’ first day on parental leave, when Evie was three months old, I asked how the day was. He said, “Really long.” I said, “what did you do?” He said, “nothing.” Aha! Big mistake! The best way to make the days go faster - because entertaining a small baby, no matter how amazing they are, is not inherently interesting* - is outings. Walk around the park for 30 minutes staring up at trees? Yes please! Trundle gently around the supermarket? You know it! Going out somewhere always made me feel better and Evie, being a baby, found everything fascinating.
*also, don’t feel bad about sometimes being bored hanging out with your baby. As long as they have no idea that secretly you’d rather be watching Bridgerton and having a gin, not waving a scarf about so your enthralled offspring can bat at it in delight, you’re fine. My general approach was “At times I’m going to be tired and bored and frustrated and doubtful and all of these other things - but the main thing is that Evie must never know that I’m anything other than delighted to be in her company.” I think that was probably the best decision I made - it doesn’t matter how tired I am, what time of day it is, what else has been going on - if Evie wakes up I’m thrilled to see her, and she has my full and happy attention.
The older they get, the more fun they are
Evie has always been fun, and it just gets easier. I remember looking at her curious little face when she was a day old and being so intrigued by her, and her sitting in her bouncer on the bench while we made a casserole at 5am and she waved the whisk enthusiastically at me, and the time she did such a forceful poo that her sock flew off and James yelled “She shit her sock off!” and we both laughed for five minutes because we were so sleep-deprived. There are rough moments but it’s honestly worth it.
You will do an absolutely fantastic job and I’m so excited for you xxx
