WAAAAH! WAAAH!

Hello everyone!

The Milkmeister is smiling now, which is lovely; it’s nice to have some positive feedback after 6 weeks of suspicious glares (the Milkmeister’s default expression).

She isn’t very good at smiling yet so she just opens her mouth as wide as it will go and gawps enthusiastically at you. It’s very good.

Visitors keep feeling privileged to gET a smile from the Milkmeister. Little do they know she is a baby and will smile at literally anyone.

No smiles right now though!

The Milkmeister and I have just got back from an invigorating 45-minute game of World’s Worst Ambulance, which is where she becomes inconsolable for no real reason (usually overtired) so I pop her in the stroller in the hopes a nice walk will settle her, and we walk around the neighbourhood going WAAAAH WAAAAAH and people look alarmed and move out of our way.

AND THEN WE GO BACK TO THE STATION AND GIVE THE AMBULANCE A BOTTLE

Would you like to know more about babies crying? Here we go!

Let’s start with a question: what is a baby?

Ah, philosophy.

Just kidding. If you answered “essentially a short tube” then congratulations, you are correct*. At this point in the Milkmeister’s career her job is basically to eat, sleep, and grow. That’s it**. This isn’t to say she isn’t charming, because she is, but her core focus is shifting food from one end of the tube to the other.

*I would have also accepted “a friendly potato” and “confusing.”

**I wish that was my job at this point in my career. Also, the other day a visiting aunt asked what the Milkmeister was “up to at the moment” - she meant developmentally speaking - and it was challenging to not say “fuck all.”

OK THIS ISN’T WHAT I MEANT BY ‘FRIENDLY POTATO’ BUT someone took the time to create this stock image and it would be remiss of me not to use it.

My delightful short tube isn’t a ‘fussy baby,’ which is what people euphemistically call babies that cry more than your average baby, but she does have her moments.

However, because she is a baby and a tube and both of these things are incapable of malice, spite or most premeditated emotions, the Milkmeister only cries when something is wrong.

Here are the things that can go wrong, and their severity; think of it as a fire watch scale for babies.

• Needs a nappy change. Easy fix. This is the problem you want to have.

• Hungry. Easy fix, but not immediate; you have to make a bottle and keep the baby in a holding pattern of only moderate roaring while the bottle heats up. Also easy to second-guess, e.g. “but she only had a bottle an hour ago!” and waste valuable seconds checking her nappy.

• Trying to shift a painful bit of trapped wind (either end). Being new to the world, the Milkmeister doesn’t have any idea how her digestive system works. Because her only job is to grow she guzzles milk/formula in an undignified and ravenous manner, which includes big gulps of air that will come back to bother her later.
  This is annoying because it’s not always easy to get the wind out, and when you finally do get it out some more arrives. Also annoying as this is the only one of the three babyproblem musketeers (Hungry, Nappy and Wind) that will wake her up in an absolute fury.

• Overtired, which doesn’t seem to be a reason in itself but exacerbates any of the above three reasons, and is generally the catalyst for a round of World’s Worst Ambulance.

• Something is Properly Wrong, like pain or illness or needle prick for vaccinations or chubby leg compressed by poorly-applied nappy.

THE OTHER DAY I ACCIDENTALLY PUT THE MILKMEISTER’S NAPPY ON BACKWARDS AND I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE OF US WAS MORE CONFUSED.

(As well as standard baby crying as described above, there is also colic and purple crying, both of which are basically “baby loses the plot for no apparent reason.” The Milkmeister has not demonstrated either of these behaviours… yet.)

You would think it would be quite simple to figure out which of these reasons is making the Milkmeister sing the song of her people* but it isn’t, because she can’t tell you. And the longer it takes you to figure out, the more upset the Milkmeister becomes, and also the more likely it is that while you try and figure out whether you’re dealing with Hungry, Nappy or Wind, one of the other two will show up.

*WAAAH!

The other issue is that the Milkmeister can pick up on your anxiety and tension, much like a horse.

WHAT IS A HORSE, IF NOT A LONG TUBE?

So, obviously, the best way to settle a crying baby is to radiate an air of beatific calm while simultaneously making a bottle, checking a nappy and attempting to coax a burp*.

Did I mention that at this point the Milkmeister has been roaring at the top of her lungs for 20 minutes? And you’ve had about three hours of sleep?

IT’S OK IF AT THIS STAGE YOU ARE ALSO GOING WAAAAAH

If you think it sounds quite stressful, you would be right. A friend of mine asked: how do you deal with the baby crying without wanting to throw her out a window? A fair question, elegantly phrased.

But it’s like if your best friend was inconsolable; you’re so focused on wanting to fix the problem that the crying doesn’t matter, and you wouldn’t get upset with your friend for being upset. You just get frustrated with yourself for not being able to sort it out.

But then you fix it and she gives you a big gummy gawp and it is all worth it!

Also, it’s illegal to throw her out a window.

*here is how you coax gas out of a baby: rock her up and down, pat between her shoulderblades, pat her tummy, rub her back, lie her down flat then bring her upright again, bring her knees up to her chest, lift her butt in the air, pop her over your shoulder, turn her on her stomach and put her on your arm, cover her in jam and sing Jingle Bells for all the good it will do you. Then return to the start. When she eventually burps (or farts) you will shout “Good Burp!” like the absolute lunatic you have become.